just start over...

This video involves chemistry and art; it looks like it would be something that would be inexpensive and a lot of fun to try. posting it here so i don't loose it.

For those of you who do follow this blog, all four or five of you that i have trusted with the knowledge of the fact that it exists, i want to apologize for the fact that i quit writing for a good 3 months. there isn't a wonderful reason, honestly. i just didn't want to sit down and replay all of the crappy things that had been happening to me, and then, manically put it up there because i was suffering from a fairly good bout of mania which meant that my ability to filter myself and what i was saying was, well, virtually non-existant. i didn't want to write down things i would later grow to regret. and, as far as i know, this journal space doesn't have a place where i can make my entries private, for me alone. if someone knows how to do that, give me the heads up.

The point however, is that i am a long way away from that point in my life and i am over it. i doubt i will ever write about it, but if i choose to, i will, and it won't be all that big of a deal. i desperately need to write - as a way of getting off the things that bother me, as a way of looking back at what i have been up to so i can recognize my patterns, as a way of being able to better understand myself, as a way to be a better writer, a way to work with words, a way to also - most importantly - express myself - who i am - as a singular person, on this planet.

so to those of you who read this, expect to read or find something on this page almost every day. that is my intention anyhow. my gift to myself. hope this finds you all well.

xo

cor.

you put a smell on me.

ive always loved matthew dear, since when we saw him play this wearhouse party in the middle of the ghetto in detroit. he just released this new record, called black city - ive been listening to it as ive been writing & i think it is... fucking amazing.

this song - i wish i had come across it earlier in the summer when everything was all sticky wet and sexual. its so sleezy and its the perfect song to fuck someone to. its like what jimmy edgar does but with less r&b and more electro - so that means i like it a lot more.

listen to it here.

mommy dearest.

i am sorry i am
such a disappointment
as a daughter -

that i suffer from
pain in multiples -
that i need pills
to function
just like my god-forsaken father
& that no matter how great
i am doing you will
never forgive me my faults
my past mistakes
are as real to you
as yesterday
i will always be a drugged out
morphine abusing
girl who deserved to be raped
who only wanted attention
who craved attention
and drama
who
cries too much
who can't be strong enough
who puts her family
through shame
who just
pops more pills so she
can't feel anymore
who has wasted
any talent she had
who is nearly 30
and still living at your house
& now has her
piece of shit friend
"eating you out of
house and home &
drinking all your pop
smoking all your cigarettes
& come to think of it
he never even does the dishes
like he is supposed to."

which just further proves
how lousy your daughter is
at making decisions -
i am sorry i am such an
epic failure
that i am not like
your son
who has his own car
who has his own house
who works for the university of michigan
who has always done well in school
who has never disappointed you
who never shows emotions
but when, whose heart does get broken
well - then we call out all the stops

i am sorry
i am not what you wanted me to be
i am sorry i am flawed
emotional
confused
full of contradictions
unsure
damaged
that i was old enough to know
how epically FUCKED my childhood really was
i am sorry that the things that interest me
and matter to me
you could give a shit about
but it doesnt mean
you can yell at me
demean me
and tell me
that i am
nothing more
than a pill addicted
piece of shit.

because it couldn't be
further from the truth
and i really
really resent you for that.
how dare you come into my room
and try to have small talk
after you tell me i am
nothing.

(and people wonder why i
have such huge complexes)

(not my) teenage dream

its been ages, years, since i was a teenager even -
that i felt the urge to
crawl trembling
curl
into the fetal
and slice the bits of skin
that cover me with a razor
while smiling with
satisfaction
as the blood rushed out
knowing that i was a living
breathing being
fully aware that i was
the one who was
destroying myself
never feeling more alive
than in that moment
when the metal
slices open
my skin


& it scares me
that i am loosing
all sense of normality
all sense of who i am
that my depression
my insanity
is sinking me into
this disgusting thing
who wants to hurt herself
so she can feel something
other than ugly, awful, mundane,
plain, unwanted, sad, horrible,
pathetic, rebounded, dumb, stuck,
surrounded by sycophants, nasty,
unloved, unforgivable, hypocritical,
hated, her own worst enemy,
never going to make it anyway,
a fucking joke, who will never find
a person who will love her warts & all,
always trying to please people who are
so not worth pleasing and
did i mention stuck? - miserable,
for-ever-questioning what the hell
the point even is in breathing -
yet- not able to give up just yet -

and so instead
i day dreamed of the days
when i -
put metal to skin
the satisfying rush of blood
how the line doesn't rush right away
but shows up like invisible ink
the anger the hate the self hate
clarity came that i don't hate myself
and that's the difference
which is why i didn't even bother
and instead
i went outside to clean
the elderly neighbor's
mailbox which got covered
in garlic couscous
mustard, salami,
and more garlic
(they must have wanted to
keep the glittering twilight vampires away?)
by the concurring teenage football team
and i had to laugh at the irony of it all
these teenagers -
enacting random acts of completely
stupid vandalism upon strangers -
and i -
as a teen
sat in my room
vandalizing my wrists,
arms, legs,
flesh -
myself.

24 hours from now might as well be 24 years.

he looks at me and finally tells me that he is leaving to go over to her house. i ask why. he tells me he needs money. hes getting money from her. shes paying him back? wow, she's never paid me back anything, but thats nothing new. earlier in the evening i asked her if he was there. she said no. ive had a few civil conversations with her, and i know he is hoping we can all become one happy family, but it isnt going to happen. i can't have her in my life. and im really just bidding my time until he is out of here. when i told him that i could no longer have him sleep with me in my bed - that it fucks with me emotionally, that it isn't right to do to wynn, and really it isnt right of him to do to jeanne - not that he seems to care - he turned it into a big huge fucking blow up argument. i can not communicate with him or to him about anything. not how i feel, not what is going on in my life, not what i am thinking about, not what i am missing, not my hopes or dreams. he is so far from being anything like my twin that it is really beyond laughable. this person - this person doesn't care about me or my feelings - he slept with me and right after he called jeanne. thats a person who really doesn't care about my feelings. he only cares about himself. it was after that moment that i let go of any sort of hope or dreams that i had that there was a person in him that wasn't horrible or 100% selfish. that wasn't all dark and evil. that act showed me how little i meant - and how much i am being used, continually.

on the upside, i have reached a point where i no longer end up having panic attacks when i know he is with jeanne having some wonderful quasi romantic outing - they deserve that and each other and if thats what they want, then great - i am respecting it - i only ask that jeanne respects me enough to get him out of my fucking house. because if they love one another that much, enough to destroy their friendships with me - they can at least remove me from the picture instead of keeping me stuck in it and feeling awkward and often still reminded of the rejection that took place. i understand that this is, of course, asking too much. but i knew he would go see her today, i knew it like i knew the sun would rise. and sure enough he is with her. i just don't understand why they try to act differently. i don't understand why he tries to pretend like he doesn't talk about me to her, when i know he does. i don't understand why he thinks he deserves to have my trust. what trust? he broke it so many times, and like jeanne - this was the last fucking straw.

so if sometimes i say - wynn actually genuinely gives a shit about me, he actually wants to know what i am upset about and doesn't use it against me, he actually wants to help me and hold me and fix me - i mean it. he does. i don't believe for a second that zak dean gives a fuck about how i feel or if i am suicidal and unhappy - he doesn't try to help me or even talk to me about it. instead he tends to make the feeling worse by reminding me how i don't have it nearly as rough as he does. and how i am 'all he has.' and i correct him and say 'oh but you have jeanne too and don't forget you like her far more than you like me.' which is true and which shuts him up. he says i am a liar because i said there would be no relationship between us but when he sent me letters they implied more than anything a relationship. that was how i took it. i say he is a liar and hes betrayed me because for the past year now, all i have asked is that he doesn't get with my best friend - that he doesn't mind fuck me that way - because it hurts me in ways i cant even begin to put words to. he promised he wouldn't. and what was the first thing he did? oh, that. and so he tries with his rightious indigation to say i am the one who is wrong - but im not. i brought up the one thing i asked of him, and he said "oh fuck, shit, yeah...god cor, im so sorry."
through tears, i looked at him "sorry? are you? yeah.. right. youre always so fucking sorry, aren't you."

but the truth of the matter is, im no longer angry.
i don't like him like that, and half the time, i really can't even stand him.
he doesn't feel like a friend. he doesn't treat me like a friend, or someone who matters to him.
he treats me like i will always be around, someone to always take care of him
someone for him to always walk all over.
its not going to last much longer.
i had to get on another anti-depressant, and a mood stabilizer
because ive been so depressed and suicidal since he got here.
his energy - its bad energy. i want it away from me.
there isnt anything to work out. sometimes, people are just... horrible.
sometimes they are just black holes.

im looking at finding a job,
finding a place to move away from them and everyone here
a way to start over.
looking at going to school again,
visiting wim,
visiting greer
attempting to get rid of the negative aspects of my life
which is going to be a slow process
but none the less
learning to not let things that i know are stupid upset me
when its not me that is upset, rather it is my ego
and really, my ego can take it
i wont always win
and really - was this a battle i wanted to win? seriously?
come on?
if i had won this, what would it say about me as a person?
it would say nothing good.
it would say i don't process my feelings, i take a ton of drugs & abuse them, that i act childish, that i haven't worked out my issues or my shit and instead pin it on others, that i refuse to grow up and blame others for my faults - it would say that these past six years - i have learned nothing and grown little if none at all. they say you attract what you are - im definately not him. im so fucking far above him. he hates himself so much that it oozes out of his conversations, in the way he moves, the way he talks and what he even talks about. she hates herself too. its in the way she treats other people, herself, how she looks, how lazy she is, how angry she is. how many benzos she takes to get through the day. anything to avoid feeling.

and me - i don't take drugs unless i have to. unless the pain is too much to bare, unless the panic attack is lurking in my throat. unless i have been throwing up. i analyze my feelings constantly and ask myself why i am doing what i am doing and try to correct my mistakes. i read constantly - about psychology, myth, addiction, co-dependancy, jung. i accept all responsibility for my mistakes. i apologize when i am wrong. i have civil conversations and i try hard to not attack those who have hurt me although sometimes it is really hard. in general, i have relationships with people that are all very stable and not full of drama. the adults around me respect me and feel like i am very much together and very bright. they can't believe what i have been through and how i have gotten to this point. i can say openly that i do not hate who i am. i can also say that lately i have wanted very much to die. its been very stressful, very hard, to do nothing all day, to loose a job i loved - a perfect job for me and then go to working a horrible job where everyone talked shit about how i am a drug addict - when i am not. i never even got a chance. and it really hurt and upset me. especially when everyone who works there is on something, and yet, i had problems? cos... i didn't. so i quit, because it was killing my body and now i am broke with too much time on my hands. i need to go back to school if i can, and i need a better job and i need to figure this shit out this week. i need to quit being so depressed but its hard when everyone in this house is so depressed - hanging by a thread, and the person who shares this room with me - is constantly talking about wanting to die. as if that is my fault.

and wynn, hes very nice, very good to me. i like him but he is now madly in love with me. i dont know what to do. i can say i love him, in ways i do, but hes not perfect for me. hes not smart enough, definately not ambitious enough. he has the ability to go to whatever college he wants to and he would rather work a shit job and drink. hes an alcoholic and... hes not really working on that one. and, i can't be with someone who is that fucked up. who turns me into his new drug, which is what is happening. im going to fail. i wont give him what he needs. which is constant attention. i need space. i need time to figure out who i am and what i want. because i am still really confused and really hurt. and i still interact with a person who is constantly stabbing me with his words.

its a slow burn.

he tells me i am stupid, to let this go on for as long as it has. he says it is my life and i am the only one who can fix it. i can feel the love he had for me draining away, word by word. i have told him that i do not know who i am, or what i am doing, or what is going to happen. i wonder if he understands how hard it is to not get attached to the idea of him - the idea of that safety. i wonder if he understands that i won't ever find someone like him again, and that i miss him, constantly, most especially when i am freaking the fuck out.

when i tell him i love him, i mean it, i just don't know where it all fits into the picture. two continents that are too far away, and two lives that are so different. he is more whole than i am, he isn't trying to fill in the pieces of emptiness every day. and i know better, i know better, that i can not fill what is burning inside of me. that i need to know what the hell my problem really is. i just dont even have a clue as to where to start with that project. i really don't.

and i don't want to hurt him by telling him the details of my life, but he wants to know, so i tell him and i am thinking i shouldn't. he knows if i do not write to him i am not okay, not at all, and he knows me - who i am. but i do not know if he loves me, or the parts of me that i do not understand, that are bad, that burn inside of me.

so instead of even beginning to figure out what i am doing, yesterday i slept until one fourty five, and then i took a shower. zak came home, we went out for middle eastern food and then we went to the beach, where i started to think, got depressed and then i went and hung out with wynn. wynn and i saw dinner for schmucks, and then i came home.

to find zak not here. he eventually showed up around 2 in the morning, saying he though he had passed out while on his walk. he can't account for a huge chunk of time. i just assumed he was at jeannes. and maybe he was. who the hell knows. but he looked like he was going to die. so i forced him to eat, and drink some water, and get some sleep. he is going to kill himself soon just by being so stupid - by not eating and taking even the slightest care of himself. i feel like i am his mother, always taking care of him.

so here i am, wide awake-ish, anxious as all hell, and, truly wondering what i am going to do with my day.

i spent all last night catching up on heather's blog entries. i wish sometimes i could write like her. and her stories, they are so insane. i am jealous & envious of the fact that she has taken her fucked up life & turned it into books, where as i - can't seem to figure out for the life of me just what it is i want to say. what stories do i tell? how do i even begin to tell them? where do i even start?

ive been thinking about going back through the journals i had from when i lived in arizona. i havent read them in years and i am curious as to what they even say. i am curious as to if i have changed my life all that much or if i am still repeating the same patterns, minus the drugs.

have i learned anything from all of that?

i sometimes wonder. i think ive just learned how to be more afraid... of loosing someone.

which is why i can never cut the cords.

you don't move me anymore... & im glad that you don't because i can't take it anymore...

because boys don't cry.

i want to puke, vomit all over the place. the anxiety i am feeling lately is out of control. my heart will rapidly beat in my chest, and i will feel my throat closing up, slowly, and then quicker and then i will feel this intense desire to vomit.

i am sick of feeling this way. i quit work, thank god, but i don't feel any better about anything. if anything, my life seems even more unstable than it was before. god, and all i want is that - stability. someone please, help me find some fucking stability. stop the goddamn drama. stop the stabbing in my heart. stop it all, please.

i can not handle having every guy i have ever cared for, loved, whatever, in my life all at the same time, all wanting something from me. all draining me, sucking the life out of me, wanting my attention, wanting my desire, wanting me to hate fuck them, wanting me to put everything i do after them, wanting to take me on another vacation away from it all.

ray is back. he is... so utterly confusing. i want to have the strength to tell him to go fuck himself, this guy that broke my heart and totally destroyed me - but i am also so fucking drawn to him, so fucking infatuated with him. i so desperately want to understand what makes him who he is. i want to confront him on his lies and see what he says. and then, then i want him to fall in love with me, and i suppose, i want to break a part of him, too, because he broke me. and all is fair in love and war and what happens between us is exactly that - thin lines between love and hate and war and fascination and absolute insanity. but despite all of that, he has always made me feel.... i don't know. it was love at first sociopathic sight. it was the most i have felt for someone in ages, years, whatever. i wanted to have a life with him. and we could have had that, if he wasn't such a fucking prick. and so, i want to know - why now, why jesus god, why now?

and why so much anxiety, why does it always feel like i am two steps away from my world falling apart? i thought things would change, but nothing has changed, nothing at all. everything is the same. its the same and its worse really, because there is the illusion of things changing, and they haven't and they didn't and why do i care? do i care?

i stared at the lake today and thought about drowning and how much i wanted to die. how i am so sick of everyone WANTING and TAKING and never giving anything back to me. how i just wanted to escape, and how i keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over again. when will i learn? when will i become strong enough to say no? what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i tolerate this bullshit?

i am serious when i say i no longer know who i am.

i really don't.

i'm not ready for these changes,

they are going to suck.

remind me what real friends are like.

it starts like this. i wake up, earlier than he does every day. so i tend to use that time before we go into the hell hole that is our work to check my email - letters generally from wim telling me life will be okay and that i am not a horrible person. i need to hear these things from him.

yesterday it was different. i was trying to log on to facebook when i came across the window he had left open. i am not so stupid as to think that while i am gone he & jeanne do not talk. however, i didn't expect to read the fucking conversation they had about me. i didn't read all of it, just what was in the window, but it was enough to know that he has been lying to me, and well she & he have a very skewed view of what friendship is. apparently i am the crazy one, the immature childish bitch. if he feels this way, and if - i am not important to him nor is my friendship (which i want to revoke anyhow) then it would be fucking awesome if he would leave my goddamn house. he is a liar, he lies to my face, and i take care of him like a mother. and like a mother, there is no reward, no fucking thank yous. its like having a teenager around. he sulks in my bed and makes me feel uncomfortable. when i am upset, he is nowhere to be found to ask me how i feel or what is wrong. it is the most one sided friendship. and oh, how not sorry they both are for what they have done to me. well, good, don't act like you are sorry. if they both love one another so fucking much - then why dont they go run off and leave me the fuck alone? she is a piece of work, i do not have words for what i think of her. lying to my face, lying to my mother's face, trying to act as though i am the one who is paranoid. bullshit, i knew all along. why does everyone act like i am so goddamn stupid?

so i woke him up and told him if he was going to talk about me to her then perhaps he should remember to close the damn window out. when i got home, after all of this, he was so interested in how my night was - why? i wondered why when it happened. then, he informs me that he has found a cheaper flight to belgium for me. um, why? i can only wonder what the fuck the two of them were talking about, but he certainly didn't do it because he gives a fuck about me or my happiness. more like - get rid of cor, and it will all be okay. pawn her off on wim.

there are so many things i regret telling her. she was supposed to be my best friend. i told her always how i felt, what was going on in my life, what i felt towards certain people. i tried so hard to be a good friend to her. i tried to be there for her when she had a bad day or when she was unhappy. and now, she knows my secrets, will use them against me. they both have rewritten how everything happened too. guilty perhaps? i know i am not wrong. now shes spending all her time bonding with ashley who has got to be loving the fact that i am the one who is 'bad' now. god, jeanne even talked about how that was coming and how she wouldn't do it. but she did. does it make her feel good to make me feel bad? dredging up all of the shit that i have supposedly done to her when we lived in chicago - i didn't say a thing about everything she has done to me. and how its all so funny that i had a breakdown, god, its so funny.

i hate her, and i am not ever going to talk to her again. i wish & hope for the worst. and, after what i read yesterday, i hate him as well. i had to spend the day comforting him because his favorite aunt died and in the end, he tells me that my 'comfort' isn't good enough. so i said he should go over to jeannes then. she will give him the comfort he desires. he rolled his eyes and got mad at me - as if, what he said to me wasnt hurtful at all. and i couldn't address what had happened in the morning because.... i didn't want to play into the game.

so today i wake up, get ready for the local dem convention. as i am leaving i tell him that he can go hang out with jeanne - i am not keeping them apart. im not. its just, don't expect me to help you or be your fucking friend. i tell him that i need to talk to him - i do, my mother has some issues and we need to figure some stuff out, and i end it by saying, i need to talk to you as well because you hurt my feelings and dont even care. i tell him i will be back by three. if he wants to talk and go to the movie (which we had planned on) i will be home by then. if he is not here, then he is with jeanne (and im sure his other walks have been to her house) and ok, thats fine. this is awkward for all of us. my family. him. me. and her - well she only cares about herself so fuck her. but i want out of this mess. so many things upon retrospect make so much more sense now that i can look back at them, and see them for what they were. i was never wrong in feeling left out. it was on purpose. i was never wrong in assuming they had feelings for each other - they do. i was never wrong in noticing how little jeanne has respect for me. i was never wrong when i said what i said to him... he admited it and then denied it. but - i was.... never wrong.

so how is it that i am crazy? paranoid? his letters to me were not what he says they were. and he never pulled them up - because they are wrong, he is wrong.

i hope to god i get rid of him today. i hope he doesnt come back here.

i hope she rots in hell.

i hope they both do.

i just want to be out of the picture. the whole time when i was upset - i kept saying "i dont exist. i don't exist here. it doesn't matter if i am here or not. it doesn't matter how i feel." they reassured me that they cared for & love me (HA) and that i was just being crazy & paranoid.

no.

i was being right.

and im not angry, im too tired to be angry.

i feel nothing

unless i think for a bit

and then well

then i feel really really fucking angry.

worth their weight in gold & then some.

thank fucking GODDESS for THIS book & for THIS one....

they are helping me so much.

figured i would share them, because i truly believe everyone should read them.... (and im not even done with them yet!)

divinely - feminine.

i have known for ages that i should listen to the few friends who give me advice, who take me seriously and who know me the best. These friends are the ones that i tell my secrets to, and who in turn, tell me theirs. All of them advised me against doing this - all of them have told me that she is a bad person who holds me down. I felt as though keeping her around when she was suffering and trying to help was my debt to her because she did as much for me. i never realized how much she resented me for that fact - the fact that she helped me when i was out of control and loosing it. I never realized how much hate and anger there was there. i never knew she was so full of dark. Well, i knew but i tried not to see it.

& so those of you who have warned me will be able to say a lot of "i told you so's..." because you were all right. I don't want to think about her anymore, and i really want her out of my life for good, because she does nothing but fuck me over, again and again, and resent me for being who i am. so she has to take what i have or don't have, and fuck with me, to feel whatever it is she needs to feel. i do not understand. i understand that female friendships are complex, and that we hurt those we care about the most. i am just tired of being walked on, and tired of being hurt.

i've been reading a lot of jung lately, to help me through this period. im attempting to figure out just what it was i was projecting onto him in order to feel better. why i allow his behaviors, which i won't allow others to have around me. why i let him do what he does to me. why i let THEM do what they do to me. Why this provokes inside of me panic attacks that are so bad i have quit eating & i have to force myself to shove food into my mouth, only to throw it back up again. So, what was it i was projecting onto him? what on god's earth was i looking for? i am still trying to figure it out. I have felt, more than ever, as of late, that i am going insane. that my reality is so far from what i feel emotionally and that, because i am so up and down all day long, i should be hospitalized. i have begged for it, but my mother, seeing this as a sign of weakness, refuses to allow me to get away and try to figure it out. I know that going into the hospital would do nothing for me, and would further make me seem like i am nuts - what i want is a vacation, a nice trip out into the woods, and a good week to think, alone, by myself. i need some solitude and i need to come back sane. i know this could happen, if i were to embark on this trip on my own, but, as of now, i am stuck in a nightmare circle that consists of working a job i really fucking hate where i am treated like shit and where my boss tells me i have a drug problem - unbeknownst to me - i was unaware that i was using opiates heavily. i don't even have a fucking vicodin script. ive come off of the majority of the meds that i used to deal with life because i found that i needed to face up to what was going on. do i still take pain killers? yes, when i am in pain. do i get high? sometimes because i don't take them often and i don't eat much lately. but am i getting high to avoid life? no, because the moment i do.... its the moment i fall fucking apart and i never come back. and i refuse to let all of this bullshit be what makes me go back to drugs. um, no thanks. um, no, fuck you guys. im stronger than that. im tougher than this.

my mother views crying as a form of weakness. she never cries. in turn, i am not allowed to cry very often, and certainly not because of how other people make me feel. instead, i am to be a tough ukrainian girl who has no feelings, or, who - if she does have feelings, will only aknowledge those of frustration, rage, anger, hate, spite, vindictiveness, & on and on. i do not hold grudges because i know my mother will continue to hold them for me, years after the fact when i have forgotten why i was so hurt in the first place.

my mother has been a great source lately, however, of comfort. she understands that i needed to fuck up my life and take a chance on these people, that i wanted to believe in goodness, and that i was enough. but i won't ever be enough and while i had these thoughts for a long time, they remained in the shadows. she doesn't resent me for this mistake, but, more or less, just wants it to be over, as i do. we all need to move on.

and i am working on that. life is lonely and i feel frail and broken. my father almost dying drained the last sense of sanity that i had left out of me. he is okay because he has 9 million lives, but what it puts us through, how scary it all is - i can't begin to describe. i wish i felt as though i could leave, but if i were to, i know he would die sooner, and i would feel guilty. i need to address this issue but it won't be until after he dies.

jealousy and hate are horrible feelings and i wish i could just stop feeling them. i wish i could work out what makes me feel so inadequate and fix it. i wish i could figure out why my life will be going really well and then it will suddenly get awful. mostly due to choices i have made. when i am hurt i do not like to be around others, and this is making my political career stutter. its not acceptable to just bail, and i know that. i have to fix that part of my life, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how to tell everyone what has been going on, and how i felt like i could only handle the easiest of tasks. how close i felt to dying. how often i had to fight the urges. how often i am sure, i will have to fight them. how hard it is to have a brain that is not balanced.

mostly, i just want a vacation. i looked up plane tickets to belgium today, as wim has invited me to come stay with him for a while. they range from $850 dollars to over $2 grand. and that is just the plane ticket, it doesn't involve anything else. i would want to come with my own money, i would want to contribute and not be a life sucking burden. dividing american dollars into euros - and with this horrible job, i can see that i won't be going to belgium anytime soon unless he flies me over there. and if he does, what if it all goes wrong? inevitably he will feel like i have used him, when that isnt the case. i really do love him, as much as i can love anyone right now. but i am also aware that wim loves what he can't have, as much as i do. i am also aware that mostly this is just sex, this desire to want to be with someone who understands me so completely and who, i have this amazing chemistry with both physically and sexually. i know i can not throw myself into another relationship with him to distract myself from how i am feeling right now, but it would be nice. we both welcome the distraction. i had a dream we got married, and it didn't even freak me out. in some ways, i have always seen myself with him, in the end. i needed to work through this disaster in order to get to that point. and i have been able to see that he has always loved me, in his logical wim like way, and that he is the only person i can count on to put me back together again. that i do, count on him, to be the voice of reason, to help me through the hard times, to say the right thing and not just stare at me lost and afraid of who i am. i know that he is good for me, that he is a huge reason as to why i have become the person i am today - that the good parts of me exist in part because he helps make them flourish - that he brings those things out in me. that i have always strived to be better for him, and not in a way where i feel like i am not good enough, but in a way that makes me feel closer to my whole. the letters we write to each other now have taken on a fervor and a passion that i didn't think we would ever have with each other again. i miss him, i miss him a lot and i wish we weren't so far away from one another. i hope that i am not projecting anything on to him, nor he onto me. we both realized we did that, and how bad it was. we've worked through it. for the most part.

i am hungry, and i am tired, and i am broken down and also broke, but, i believe it will get better in time. its been a horrible few weeks, and if i had listened to myself i would have known that, but i needed to also have this happen so that i could finally fucking realize that deep inside i always know what is going on, that i always know what i need, and that my dreams are ALWAYS trying to tell me something. It's about time i started to listen.

the day the devil was born.

it was a cold snowy rainy day outside when we went into starbucks to escape from the weather. somehow we got to talking about birthdays.

today is his birthday. he wanted me to bake him a ninja turtle cake.

why do i still remember this shit when i cant even tell you the day jeanne was born? april... april something. im horrible with dates.

today is his birthday

and i hate him.

& now you love me more than that.

there is a part of me that loves the fact that my intestines are curling into horrible knots, making me run to the bathroom to shit out everything that is bothering me. it seems appropriate given the situation. i am infected with disease, i need to get it out.

i finally have nothing to say. i am not okay with how things are going but i realize that my energies need to be placed elsewhere. i realize that i am stuck in this and that it has to run its course. one plus one equals two. two divide the one. i don't know how to fix this, how to not act like a child who is screaming because their toy got taken away. its not the right way to react, but i can't trust either of them, and that hurts me, too. i just... i dont know how. i flat out don't want to. i should have thought of that sooner, that this would only lead to a really bad burn. but what i have wanted is to move on from all of it, and this process will allow me to do that. how do i trust in the process when i feel like i am loosing my mind?

it requires so much work and i am exhausted. no one reads me well or understands me. i want to sleep for a thousand years and then wake up when everyone else has left. put me in a coma, please. this is all too complicated, all too hard and all too much.

i need to cash in all of my favors from everyone i know who lives overseas and go find them and find a few thousand dollars and never, fucking ever - come back here.

but for now i am stuck, and i do not believe in love or in common goals or in much of anything.

i will burrow into the ground for a while,

fall is coming.

___

he sent me a message last night telling me that he is falling in love with me. i didn't know what to think. being with him is an escape from my regular existence, my regular nightmarish existence, but i told him, and i meant it - that i would only hurt him, that i would only destroy him. i told him not to love me. i told him that i am difficult and crazy and unfair sometimes. i told him that i can be ruthlessly mean to those that i love for no reason what so ever. that when i am stressed out, i am even worse. he said nothing, just looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead, and held me tight. as i was falling asleep, he said those words, those words that make me run, and i said nothing because i was almost asleep and it seemed like a dream anyway. i like him, i do, i like him so much, much more than i ever expected, because we can read each other, because he is bright when he wants to be, but he is so lost and i didn't and dont want to be the girl who tries to help him find himself. i don't feel as though i know who i am right now, how the hell can i know who he is or help him figure that out? but he is nice to me, nicer than anyone i have ever known, and i know he would never do anything to betray me. i am just trying to breathe. two plus two equals four. and maybe that is what needs to happen.

my 11:59 feelings

im often talking about how in a room full of people i know, i will inevitably always feel alone.

my thoughts are eating me up, keeping me awake at night, and driving me insane.

three is a horrible number. its even worse when those that you are with don't even notice you are there.

three is a lonely number.

if i am going to feel alone around those who are supposed to be my best friends when i am with them,

what the fuck is the point in even being with them?

perhaps i should just spend the time alone.

i do not know what i am doing. i am trying to breathe. deeply. take a deep breath, cor.

roots. the roots are growing from your feet, into the ground, deep down into the earth.

you are planting yourself a new life, a better existence, you are at one with the elements, you are alive -

and isn't life supposed to be the most precious gift?

and yet, i am distraught. i should be happy, i should be all excited - all of these friends around,

but all of this change, it eats at me.

i left my body long ago.

i hate the silence. i am not your best friend. i am not your best friend, either.

spirit says,

do not trust, youre going to get fucked over.

and im waiting for it.

i let you both walk all over me.

why?

i have found that i can not trust those that try to act as though i should trust them the most.

i have found that i feel nothing right now for anyone. i am on automatic.

i have been rejected. im waiting for the abandonment. its right around the corner,

a train calling at me, saying,

get on. your stop will be here soon. you've got much to learn, little girl.

----

i used to have a telepathic connection with my best friend in the whole wide world. we fought viciously, we hated each other with a passion i have never felt towards anyone. we loved each other with that same passion. he could look at my face and read what i was thinking, he could look at me and we would have a whole conversation just by shared looks. it was never awkward, it was always how these things should be. it ran its course, and i suffered a betrayal by him on multiple levels, through multiple ways, and it took me about five years to finally get over it. but the scars still remain. whenever i think i can trust someone, i start to notice little things, small things, and i start to isolate myself. i start to wonder if any sort of friendship is worth it - when those who know me the best seem to always be the ones who hurt me the most. i don't want to feel this sort of paranoia, this sort of anxiety or this kind of depression. but its the only thing i know. when it feels like it is going to get bad, when it feels like i am going to be hurt -

and i have been,

its time to run away for a while.

i sometimes think that the superficial stupid friendships i have with people that i openly do not like are the ones i am doomed to.

i wanted to feel a connection, i wanted to be able to trust, i wanted to not be lied to.

i am a fucking moron for thinking that this could all happen.

but i wanted to try to be optimistic. i wanted to try for once to not feel like i am doomed.

---

as i was falling asleep, he mumbled that he loves me.

i pretended not to hear it.

you can not love me. i am not worth loving right now.

i am unlovable. maybe i am the island.

i don't want to hear it.

the last time i heard those words, i was thrown away like i am nothing more than trash.

after a bunch of passive aggressive bullshit,

i discovered how many lies i was being told

and i dared to stand up for myself,

to say it wasn't okay to lie to me, to pretend like i was no longer important

to make plans with me,

to start this life together

and then to abandon it and me after a

four hour

plane trip to boston

as soon as the wheels touched the tarmac.

so i spent a week, wallowing in my bed,

feeling worthless, feeling like i was crazy

because obviously i had to be if he said so

he - the compulsive liar

all i had wanted was for someone to love me,

but he kept changing me and trying to make me

into a girl i was not.

a quiet mute girl who tolerated never being touched

as though i was a disease

who never said what she was really thinking

because if i did

it caused a fit

who tolerated

his lies,

his ability to love me & then to reject me

within about a span of ten minutes

(now that is acting)

what a mind fuck.

i swore afterwards, i would really work on

who i am because being with him and

being hurt so badly by him had - obviously

made me question who the hell i had become

i worked on those issues,

the ones he created inside of me,

except for the fact that -

i can not trust

i generally believe everyone is lying to me,

and if anyone says those words to me

my immediate reaction is to

run as far the fuck away as possible.

i love you,

the words are so hollow.

it means nothing when its as though

i am not even there

and i am right next to you all the time

i love you,

when you don't even know

who i am. when, i have hidden

the parts of me that i don't think

you should see.

its just -

im a broken doll,

with no arms to lift

and my heart was stabbed away

long ago for a ritual

so i could one day

find what i was looking for.

antwerpen.

i was swimming in a pool

the first time in years

while under the light of the

full moon,

the people who were there,

kept talking about belgium

they were facinated with it,

talking about how the water was

so tainted that you couldn't drink it

and so,

everyone drank beer.

& we all know that belgians

have the best beer -

and chocolate.

i wanted to say,

i once was in love with a belgian

who came to see me and saw me through

the scariest moment of my life

who held my hand and

when the doctors asked who he was

he calmly looked at them and said

'her fiancee.'

and i looked up at him,

i could see it was something he meant,

and also that, it was meant to make

me laugh & i did

although the laughing really hurt

i have never seen anyones eyes

electric blue and full of life

filled with such concern over -

my well being

for the first time i felt

safe -

i wanted to say,

girls, you should really get

yourself a belgian

they speak many languages,

theyre very tall and thin

and they tend to all look

really good (from what i have seen)

and they are really educated

& for the most part they won't hate

you for being who you are

i wanted to say,

get yourself a good belgian lover

and never let him go

hold him tightly at night

and if you are lucky

you will have some of the best sex

that you have ever had in your life

(europeans, you know... they just

do it better....)

instead,

i remained quiet

i stared at the moon,

thought about how we always

were supposed to swim together

and how,

at least with my belgian

i know i have found the one person

who will never fully abandon me

and,

in that moment,

i missed him.

and i thought about

how i saw his doppleganger

while in chicago

&

i longed

for those cold snowy days

when i looked like a raccoon

and how

we laid in bed for a week

doing nothing but exploring

everything about each other.

the moon was over head

and i hoped he could see it

and know how much i missed him,

in that moment.

katrina

i am drowning here,

lost five thousand miles from

the closest bar of sand

that i could find to stand on

and its all grainy

with water underneath

i know i am sinking,

and you sit there

watching,

all like an island

unto yourself

about yourself

thinking i am just

another one of the many

dumb girls whom you have

convinced will be something

more than -

a means to an end

a way for you to

get what you want &

inflict what has been inflicted

on you to someone that

you are supposed to care about

you were a karmic debt

you were a cloudy day with

a ray of sunlight and a bit of

hope

but now you are nothing

other than a raging storm

who stabs at the trees

breaking them with no concern

about the forest

or with any feelings

about the creatures

who call it home

you are an island

nothing but sand

you stick to me but i can

wash you off, brush you off,

swim away from you &

find a place far away from this

that will really feel like home

& then you will know

that every woman,

is a storm.

i will tell you the truth, she says. soon.

intense set of dreams including -

-drowning in lake michigan, and waking up with my heart racing, wide awake.

-robb sitting across from me in a thai restaurant. we were talking about something, something important that i do not remember. i rarely if ever dream of robb. a guy came up next to us and pulled out a bunch of scorpions. it was like a drug deal, only with scorpions. robb starts to laugh really hard, looks him in the eye, and pulls out a scorpion the size of my fist and arm. im just looking at this shit, terrified but not really. i felt like i was floating. robb warns me about something. but i do not know what.

-dream changes and i am in a car, where i am with friends. zak keeps arguing with me. i cant find him and i know he is leaving, but i can't get there in time. meanwhile, i meet these people outside of the thai place and go with them to look at some art in a mall. they then end up at my house where they argue with me & freak out because two of the people who showed up randomly (one was shannon stephens) are people they do not like. shannon's friend's face is all disfigured. melted almost. he caused an accident that the mother of the person i was hanging out with - as well as killed someone that woman loved. it was really uncomfortable. tense.

-i am in a high school. wearing headphones. listening to mogwai.

-zak and i are planning a trip out east. it involves a great deal of planning and i am on a train. there is arguing about what route to take.

-the last dream i have, i remember being in a car. a really fast car. with the woman who's all fucked up. and her husband. then she disappears. and the car wrecks. and i wake up with my heart in my throat.

-went back to sleep for a bit, and was on a plane. its some weird special plane. zak had left and i was trying to find him again. i found him on the plane. its full of weird people - distorted people who are trying to walk on ice in high heels - men and women. leopard print, i remember that. someone famous is on the plane. jeanne is there too. i end up seeing jeanne & zak making out. i don't feel anything. not even angry.

i woke up.

the end.

today has been super uncomfortable for me. i don't feel like i am in my own skin. i am unhappy and yet i can not figure out why i am. i spent a few hours trying to figure this out today, and, nothing came. i am over-whelmed, and yet, i also do not feel anything. it fluctuates through out the day. i am so fucking anxious.

i feel like i am going to be betrayed but by who i don't really know.

i want to go away for a while & be left alone.

i feel like i need to think about so many things, so so many things and all of them are overwhelming. i want to cry but i can't and i dont know why i want to. i feel intensely awkward and unlikable.

scott wont leave me alone & wants everything back from working with him because i refuse to kiss his ass. he fucking fired me, more or less. why do i owe him anything?

wim sent me a fucked up letter today too, adding to everything else and making me feel really confused and lost.

i dont know who i am anymore.

i really mean this.

i have lost myself somehow.

i've never been golden.

i feel like an asshole. i spent the weekend with wynn, and, of course i have started to develop these feelings for him. i lay in his arms last night, and all i could think about was how i am awful, awful - that, in hours my twin would be arriving, and, how could i.....

finally get what i want - finally get the real moment & chance that i have been waiting for, and now, be emotionally entangled in a relationship (of sorts... i refuse to let it become anything more than hanging out and sex... but thats what a relationship is, isn't it?) a relationship which i denied for a very long time, and yet, it came to be because it was just what i needed. someone who treats me with respect & is so kind to me, and is light-hearted and goofy. i am much too serious for my own good.

and yet - my twin, he will be here in four hours! 4 hours! i never thought this day would come. i never thought i would get to spend time with him when both of us were.... not so fucked up. i don't know what to expect, and i dont want to hurt anyone, but what lies between us is something so pure and true and real. i never denied that. i always knew. he was always afraid. and now, now he's not? now he talks about us 'building a life together' and a part of me is so happy and so.... baffled, and the other part of me is terrified. terrified of rejection from him yet again, terrified of him breaking my heart if i open up, terrified of what kind of danger he can cause because he's not a simple person. i've longed for him in ways i have never spoken about. we have finally become honest with each other, finally worked out the kinks in this twinship of ours...

and yet, i laid with wynn & all of my dreams were about him. i was trying to find him over and over & i couldn't - he had disappeared. i was frantic. we talk about our dreams, he & i. and i sleep, when i finally fall asleep - so soundly - with him. when i would roll over, he would wake up and ask me if there was anything i needed.

i need.... to feel.... wanted, desired, needed, loved.

i do not want to have to choose. i know who will win. he has always won. he will always win. he is my other half. i can't have both, im not that type of girl.

4 hours.

how insane is that?

how insane, life is.

& so it speaks.

1. twin will arrive here on monday. eeeee! so excited and so terrified.

a lot to talk about when it involves this but, i dont feel like doing that right now.

regardless to say i am happy and excited and looking forward to building a life with him.

life... is weird.

2. linds is moving here! so not only will i have my twin, but i will also have my one & only friend from college living right in this very town. i cant begin to go on about how thrilled i am about this. i am hoping to move in with her until her lease is up. so that would be from august to october.

3. i spent the night last night with wynn. i had written him off as being retarded. he's not, at all. he's just shy and weird. he's like a little boy in a lot of ways, but it is also adorable. he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body & he is so good to me. he treats me with respect (a shocker im not used to) and always pays for everything (again not used to this) and is... hes sweet. we went out to the pier & watched a bunch of lightning & i was slightly drunk so i was more open than i normally would be. hes so unsure of himself. im trying to get him to like, have some self esteem. it comes from within but it helps if someone believes in you. so, we went back to his house and laid around watching tv & talking. i also found out why the sex was so... basic, which is because for real he has never thought about those sort of things (WHAT?) and, has never had a girl be like... so what do you like, how does this feel, what are your fantasies, ect. he seemed shocked that i actually wanted him to get off & enjoy himself. there is a lot of potiential there, sexually, between us, its just i am going to have to teach him, get him to explore - ect. he's kind of like... a project. but, i slept soundly with him & when i would wake up with a headache he would rub my back and shoulders and neck & kiss me where it hurt. he finally was comfortable enough to start being a smart ass, which was good. i knew he had that in him.

im missing him tonight, although i know this is only going to complicate my life. he knows how i feel about his drinking and how i think he needs to get his shit together. we talked about him actually setting some goals & having someone push him to... grow up & do something with himself.

its just... once t arrives, its going to get complicated. how could it not get complicated? wynn knows all about the situation & knows how i feel - and that, you know, i am committing to no one anytime soon. so thats good. but i dont want to hurt him. i don't want to do that ever.

4. i still have to tell my parents that t is going to be arriving soon. theyre dead set against this but i need to do what i feel is right in my heart & in my soul. they will get over it, and most importantly, we will both move out. this is only temporary.

5. i am happy.

i hate not working, but, i am happy right now.

this is good.

-fin.

because he's the other half of me

since i lost the whole entry i made, complete with links to film & photos, i am just going to put up here what i had at the end of the entry. it gets across the point that i was making without telling the whole story. my twin is coming to stay with me. i am willing to risk everything for him because i believe in him. i love him unconditionally in ways i have never been able to put into words. then i typed in soul twins in google & came up with this.... it is.... very accurate.

the story of how we came to exist, how we met, and of all we have been through is pretty insane & best left for another time. but, i believe in him & in the goodness of who he is, while i know his shadow self is quite horrible. but so is mine. i just want to help him. even if it means i end up getting kicked out of my house. there is so much going on, so much to write about but it is four in the morning and i really must sleep.

"Meeting the "other half of your soul" is generally so life changing and profound that this question is unnecessary.... you just know. Twin souls will both recognize this extraordinary bond, whether they are evolved and whole enough to acknowledge and act upon it is another thing. Meeting with your twin soul brings about an internal spiritual revolution, a deeper connection and understanding of the Divine and the Universal Oneness, this is the greatest gift of knowing your twin. Twin soul love is not to be confused with an obsessive/compulsive disorder, it's not a desire to "possess" another, but truly a challenge to love unconditionally and without expectation, to be whole and complete within yourself before joining with the other whole and complete side of your soul. The longing and desire to be with your twin soul is intense, but through growth and perception can be seen as the greater longing to join with the Divine, and that is the true lesson, you are two halves of a much greater whole.

When you meet your twin, there will be no "game-playing" or manipulation, you will have the need to be transparently honest in your relationship and communication with one another. If there is karma from past lives to work out between you, it will be apparent and consciously worked out. If you or your twin is committed to another relationship, you will respect and honor that bond and realize the tests of unconditional love. Meeting your twin soul challenges you to grow spiritually, heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and to see beyond time, ego, and physical limitations. You will be driven with the desire to be the best manifestation of your soul on earth. This is not a relationship of hearts and flowers, but one that will be tested in fire and will endure beyond time and space."

"Soul mates," John continued, "were actually created for one another at the beginning of time, or what you call at the moment of the Big Bang. They vibrate at exactly the same electromagnetic frequency because they are identical counterparts of one another. Twin souls are more common to find because they have experienced many lifetimes together in one form or another. But soul mates were actually created at the beginning of time as pairs who belonged together... So you see, there is more to your Big Bang theory than you imagine... and quite romantic at that, wouldn't you say?"