divinely - feminine.

i have known for ages that i should listen to the few friends who give me advice, who take me seriously and who know me the best. These friends are the ones that i tell my secrets to, and who in turn, tell me theirs. All of them advised me against doing this - all of them have told me that she is a bad person who holds me down. I felt as though keeping her around when she was suffering and trying to help was my debt to her because she did as much for me. i never realized how much she resented me for that fact - the fact that she helped me when i was out of control and loosing it. I never realized how much hate and anger there was there. i never knew she was so full of dark. Well, i knew but i tried not to see it.

& so those of you who have warned me will be able to say a lot of "i told you so's..." because you were all right. I don't want to think about her anymore, and i really want her out of my life for good, because she does nothing but fuck me over, again and again, and resent me for being who i am. so she has to take what i have or don't have, and fuck with me, to feel whatever it is she needs to feel. i do not understand. i understand that female friendships are complex, and that we hurt those we care about the most. i am just tired of being walked on, and tired of being hurt.

i've been reading a lot of jung lately, to help me through this period. im attempting to figure out just what it was i was projecting onto him in order to feel better. why i allow his behaviors, which i won't allow others to have around me. why i let him do what he does to me. why i let THEM do what they do to me. Why this provokes inside of me panic attacks that are so bad i have quit eating & i have to force myself to shove food into my mouth, only to throw it back up again. So, what was it i was projecting onto him? what on god's earth was i looking for? i am still trying to figure it out. I have felt, more than ever, as of late, that i am going insane. that my reality is so far from what i feel emotionally and that, because i am so up and down all day long, i should be hospitalized. i have begged for it, but my mother, seeing this as a sign of weakness, refuses to allow me to get away and try to figure it out. I know that going into the hospital would do nothing for me, and would further make me seem like i am nuts - what i want is a vacation, a nice trip out into the woods, and a good week to think, alone, by myself. i need some solitude and i need to come back sane. i know this could happen, if i were to embark on this trip on my own, but, as of now, i am stuck in a nightmare circle that consists of working a job i really fucking hate where i am treated like shit and where my boss tells me i have a drug problem - unbeknownst to me - i was unaware that i was using opiates heavily. i don't even have a fucking vicodin script. ive come off of the majority of the meds that i used to deal with life because i found that i needed to face up to what was going on. do i still take pain killers? yes, when i am in pain. do i get high? sometimes because i don't take them often and i don't eat much lately. but am i getting high to avoid life? no, because the moment i do.... its the moment i fall fucking apart and i never come back. and i refuse to let all of this bullshit be what makes me go back to drugs. um, no thanks. um, no, fuck you guys. im stronger than that. im tougher than this.

my mother views crying as a form of weakness. she never cries. in turn, i am not allowed to cry very often, and certainly not because of how other people make me feel. instead, i am to be a tough ukrainian girl who has no feelings, or, who - if she does have feelings, will only aknowledge those of frustration, rage, anger, hate, spite, vindictiveness, & on and on. i do not hold grudges because i know my mother will continue to hold them for me, years after the fact when i have forgotten why i was so hurt in the first place.

my mother has been a great source lately, however, of comfort. she understands that i needed to fuck up my life and take a chance on these people, that i wanted to believe in goodness, and that i was enough. but i won't ever be enough and while i had these thoughts for a long time, they remained in the shadows. she doesn't resent me for this mistake, but, more or less, just wants it to be over, as i do. we all need to move on.

and i am working on that. life is lonely and i feel frail and broken. my father almost dying drained the last sense of sanity that i had left out of me. he is okay because he has 9 million lives, but what it puts us through, how scary it all is - i can't begin to describe. i wish i felt as though i could leave, but if i were to, i know he would die sooner, and i would feel guilty. i need to address this issue but it won't be until after he dies.

jealousy and hate are horrible feelings and i wish i could just stop feeling them. i wish i could work out what makes me feel so inadequate and fix it. i wish i could figure out why my life will be going really well and then it will suddenly get awful. mostly due to choices i have made. when i am hurt i do not like to be around others, and this is making my political career stutter. its not acceptable to just bail, and i know that. i have to fix that part of my life, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how to tell everyone what has been going on, and how i felt like i could only handle the easiest of tasks. how close i felt to dying. how often i had to fight the urges. how often i am sure, i will have to fight them. how hard it is to have a brain that is not balanced.

mostly, i just want a vacation. i looked up plane tickets to belgium today, as wim has invited me to come stay with him for a while. they range from $850 dollars to over $2 grand. and that is just the plane ticket, it doesn't involve anything else. i would want to come with my own money, i would want to contribute and not be a life sucking burden. dividing american dollars into euros - and with this horrible job, i can see that i won't be going to belgium anytime soon unless he flies me over there. and if he does, what if it all goes wrong? inevitably he will feel like i have used him, when that isnt the case. i really do love him, as much as i can love anyone right now. but i am also aware that wim loves what he can't have, as much as i do. i am also aware that mostly this is just sex, this desire to want to be with someone who understands me so completely and who, i have this amazing chemistry with both physically and sexually. i know i can not throw myself into another relationship with him to distract myself from how i am feeling right now, but it would be nice. we both welcome the distraction. i had a dream we got married, and it didn't even freak me out. in some ways, i have always seen myself with him, in the end. i needed to work through this disaster in order to get to that point. and i have been able to see that he has always loved me, in his logical wim like way, and that he is the only person i can count on to put me back together again. that i do, count on him, to be the voice of reason, to help me through the hard times, to say the right thing and not just stare at me lost and afraid of who i am. i know that he is good for me, that he is a huge reason as to why i have become the person i am today - that the good parts of me exist in part because he helps make them flourish - that he brings those things out in me. that i have always strived to be better for him, and not in a way where i feel like i am not good enough, but in a way that makes me feel closer to my whole. the letters we write to each other now have taken on a fervor and a passion that i didn't think we would ever have with each other again. i miss him, i miss him a lot and i wish we weren't so far away from one another. i hope that i am not projecting anything on to him, nor he onto me. we both realized we did that, and how bad it was. we've worked through it. for the most part.

i am hungry, and i am tired, and i am broken down and also broke, but, i believe it will get better in time. its been a horrible few weeks, and if i had listened to myself i would have known that, but i needed to also have this happen so that i could finally fucking realize that deep inside i always know what is going on, that i always know what i need, and that my dreams are ALWAYS trying to tell me something. It's about time i started to listen.

the day the devil was born.

it was a cold snowy rainy day outside when we went into starbucks to escape from the weather. somehow we got to talking about birthdays.

today is his birthday. he wanted me to bake him a ninja turtle cake.

why do i still remember this shit when i cant even tell you the day jeanne was born? april... april something. im horrible with dates.

today is his birthday

and i hate him.

& now you love me more than that.

there is a part of me that loves the fact that my intestines are curling into horrible knots, making me run to the bathroom to shit out everything that is bothering me. it seems appropriate given the situation. i am infected with disease, i need to get it out.

i finally have nothing to say. i am not okay with how things are going but i realize that my energies need to be placed elsewhere. i realize that i am stuck in this and that it has to run its course. one plus one equals two. two divide the one. i don't know how to fix this, how to not act like a child who is screaming because their toy got taken away. its not the right way to react, but i can't trust either of them, and that hurts me, too. i just... i dont know how. i flat out don't want to. i should have thought of that sooner, that this would only lead to a really bad burn. but what i have wanted is to move on from all of it, and this process will allow me to do that. how do i trust in the process when i feel like i am loosing my mind?

it requires so much work and i am exhausted. no one reads me well or understands me. i want to sleep for a thousand years and then wake up when everyone else has left. put me in a coma, please. this is all too complicated, all too hard and all too much.

i need to cash in all of my favors from everyone i know who lives overseas and go find them and find a few thousand dollars and never, fucking ever - come back here.

but for now i am stuck, and i do not believe in love or in common goals or in much of anything.

i will burrow into the ground for a while,

fall is coming.

___

he sent me a message last night telling me that he is falling in love with me. i didn't know what to think. being with him is an escape from my regular existence, my regular nightmarish existence, but i told him, and i meant it - that i would only hurt him, that i would only destroy him. i told him not to love me. i told him that i am difficult and crazy and unfair sometimes. i told him that i can be ruthlessly mean to those that i love for no reason what so ever. that when i am stressed out, i am even worse. he said nothing, just looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead, and held me tight. as i was falling asleep, he said those words, those words that make me run, and i said nothing because i was almost asleep and it seemed like a dream anyway. i like him, i do, i like him so much, much more than i ever expected, because we can read each other, because he is bright when he wants to be, but he is so lost and i didn't and dont want to be the girl who tries to help him find himself. i don't feel as though i know who i am right now, how the hell can i know who he is or help him figure that out? but he is nice to me, nicer than anyone i have ever known, and i know he would never do anything to betray me. i am just trying to breathe. two plus two equals four. and maybe that is what needs to happen.

my 11:59 feelings

im often talking about how in a room full of people i know, i will inevitably always feel alone.

my thoughts are eating me up, keeping me awake at night, and driving me insane.

three is a horrible number. its even worse when those that you are with don't even notice you are there.

three is a lonely number.

if i am going to feel alone around those who are supposed to be my best friends when i am with them,

what the fuck is the point in even being with them?

perhaps i should just spend the time alone.

i do not know what i am doing. i am trying to breathe. deeply. take a deep breath, cor.

roots. the roots are growing from your feet, into the ground, deep down into the earth.

you are planting yourself a new life, a better existence, you are at one with the elements, you are alive -

and isn't life supposed to be the most precious gift?

and yet, i am distraught. i should be happy, i should be all excited - all of these friends around,

but all of this change, it eats at me.

i left my body long ago.

i hate the silence. i am not your best friend. i am not your best friend, either.

spirit says,

do not trust, youre going to get fucked over.

and im waiting for it.

i let you both walk all over me.

why?

i have found that i can not trust those that try to act as though i should trust them the most.

i have found that i feel nothing right now for anyone. i am on automatic.

i have been rejected. im waiting for the abandonment. its right around the corner,

a train calling at me, saying,

get on. your stop will be here soon. you've got much to learn, little girl.

----

i used to have a telepathic connection with my best friend in the whole wide world. we fought viciously, we hated each other with a passion i have never felt towards anyone. we loved each other with that same passion. he could look at my face and read what i was thinking, he could look at me and we would have a whole conversation just by shared looks. it was never awkward, it was always how these things should be. it ran its course, and i suffered a betrayal by him on multiple levels, through multiple ways, and it took me about five years to finally get over it. but the scars still remain. whenever i think i can trust someone, i start to notice little things, small things, and i start to isolate myself. i start to wonder if any sort of friendship is worth it - when those who know me the best seem to always be the ones who hurt me the most. i don't want to feel this sort of paranoia, this sort of anxiety or this kind of depression. but its the only thing i know. when it feels like it is going to get bad, when it feels like i am going to be hurt -

and i have been,

its time to run away for a while.

i sometimes think that the superficial stupid friendships i have with people that i openly do not like are the ones i am doomed to.

i wanted to feel a connection, i wanted to be able to trust, i wanted to not be lied to.

i am a fucking moron for thinking that this could all happen.

but i wanted to try to be optimistic. i wanted to try for once to not feel like i am doomed.

---

as i was falling asleep, he mumbled that he loves me.

i pretended not to hear it.

you can not love me. i am not worth loving right now.

i am unlovable. maybe i am the island.

i don't want to hear it.

the last time i heard those words, i was thrown away like i am nothing more than trash.

after a bunch of passive aggressive bullshit,

i discovered how many lies i was being told

and i dared to stand up for myself,

to say it wasn't okay to lie to me, to pretend like i was no longer important

to make plans with me,

to start this life together

and then to abandon it and me after a

four hour

plane trip to boston

as soon as the wheels touched the tarmac.

so i spent a week, wallowing in my bed,

feeling worthless, feeling like i was crazy

because obviously i had to be if he said so

he - the compulsive liar

all i had wanted was for someone to love me,

but he kept changing me and trying to make me

into a girl i was not.

a quiet mute girl who tolerated never being touched

as though i was a disease

who never said what she was really thinking

because if i did

it caused a fit

who tolerated

his lies,

his ability to love me & then to reject me

within about a span of ten minutes

(now that is acting)

what a mind fuck.

i swore afterwards, i would really work on

who i am because being with him and

being hurt so badly by him had - obviously

made me question who the hell i had become

i worked on those issues,

the ones he created inside of me,

except for the fact that -

i can not trust

i generally believe everyone is lying to me,

and if anyone says those words to me

my immediate reaction is to

run as far the fuck away as possible.

i love you,

the words are so hollow.

it means nothing when its as though

i am not even there

and i am right next to you all the time

i love you,

when you don't even know

who i am. when, i have hidden

the parts of me that i don't think

you should see.

its just -

im a broken doll,

with no arms to lift

and my heart was stabbed away

long ago for a ritual

so i could one day

find what i was looking for.

antwerpen.

i was swimming in a pool

the first time in years

while under the light of the

full moon,

the people who were there,

kept talking about belgium

they were facinated with it,

talking about how the water was

so tainted that you couldn't drink it

and so,

everyone drank beer.

& we all know that belgians

have the best beer -

and chocolate.

i wanted to say,

i once was in love with a belgian

who came to see me and saw me through

the scariest moment of my life

who held my hand and

when the doctors asked who he was

he calmly looked at them and said

'her fiancee.'

and i looked up at him,

i could see it was something he meant,

and also that, it was meant to make

me laugh & i did

although the laughing really hurt

i have never seen anyones eyes

electric blue and full of life

filled with such concern over -

my well being

for the first time i felt

safe -

i wanted to say,

girls, you should really get

yourself a belgian

they speak many languages,

theyre very tall and thin

and they tend to all look

really good (from what i have seen)

and they are really educated

& for the most part they won't hate

you for being who you are

i wanted to say,

get yourself a good belgian lover

and never let him go

hold him tightly at night

and if you are lucky

you will have some of the best sex

that you have ever had in your life

(europeans, you know... they just

do it better....)

instead,

i remained quiet

i stared at the moon,

thought about how we always

were supposed to swim together

and how,

at least with my belgian

i know i have found the one person

who will never fully abandon me

and,

in that moment,

i missed him.

and i thought about

how i saw his doppleganger

while in chicago

&

i longed

for those cold snowy days

when i looked like a raccoon

and how

we laid in bed for a week

doing nothing but exploring

everything about each other.

the moon was over head

and i hoped he could see it

and know how much i missed him,

in that moment.

katrina

i am drowning here,

lost five thousand miles from

the closest bar of sand

that i could find to stand on

and its all grainy

with water underneath

i know i am sinking,

and you sit there

watching,

all like an island

unto yourself

about yourself

thinking i am just

another one of the many

dumb girls whom you have

convinced will be something

more than -

a means to an end

a way for you to

get what you want &

inflict what has been inflicted

on you to someone that

you are supposed to care about

you were a karmic debt

you were a cloudy day with

a ray of sunlight and a bit of

hope

but now you are nothing

other than a raging storm

who stabs at the trees

breaking them with no concern

about the forest

or with any feelings

about the creatures

who call it home

you are an island

nothing but sand

you stick to me but i can

wash you off, brush you off,

swim away from you &

find a place far away from this

that will really feel like home

& then you will know

that every woman,

is a storm.

i will tell you the truth, she says. soon.

intense set of dreams including -

-drowning in lake michigan, and waking up with my heart racing, wide awake.

-robb sitting across from me in a thai restaurant. we were talking about something, something important that i do not remember. i rarely if ever dream of robb. a guy came up next to us and pulled out a bunch of scorpions. it was like a drug deal, only with scorpions. robb starts to laugh really hard, looks him in the eye, and pulls out a scorpion the size of my fist and arm. im just looking at this shit, terrified but not really. i felt like i was floating. robb warns me about something. but i do not know what.

-dream changes and i am in a car, where i am with friends. zak keeps arguing with me. i cant find him and i know he is leaving, but i can't get there in time. meanwhile, i meet these people outside of the thai place and go with them to look at some art in a mall. they then end up at my house where they argue with me & freak out because two of the people who showed up randomly (one was shannon stephens) are people they do not like. shannon's friend's face is all disfigured. melted almost. he caused an accident that the mother of the person i was hanging out with - as well as killed someone that woman loved. it was really uncomfortable. tense.

-i am in a high school. wearing headphones. listening to mogwai.

-zak and i are planning a trip out east. it involves a great deal of planning and i am on a train. there is arguing about what route to take.

-the last dream i have, i remember being in a car. a really fast car. with the woman who's all fucked up. and her husband. then she disappears. and the car wrecks. and i wake up with my heart in my throat.

-went back to sleep for a bit, and was on a plane. its some weird special plane. zak had left and i was trying to find him again. i found him on the plane. its full of weird people - distorted people who are trying to walk on ice in high heels - men and women. leopard print, i remember that. someone famous is on the plane. jeanne is there too. i end up seeing jeanne & zak making out. i don't feel anything. not even angry.

i woke up.

the end.

today has been super uncomfortable for me. i don't feel like i am in my own skin. i am unhappy and yet i can not figure out why i am. i spent a few hours trying to figure this out today, and, nothing came. i am over-whelmed, and yet, i also do not feel anything. it fluctuates through out the day. i am so fucking anxious.

i feel like i am going to be betrayed but by who i don't really know.

i want to go away for a while & be left alone.

i feel like i need to think about so many things, so so many things and all of them are overwhelming. i want to cry but i can't and i dont know why i want to. i feel intensely awkward and unlikable.

scott wont leave me alone & wants everything back from working with him because i refuse to kiss his ass. he fucking fired me, more or less. why do i owe him anything?

wim sent me a fucked up letter today too, adding to everything else and making me feel really confused and lost.

i dont know who i am anymore.

i really mean this.

i have lost myself somehow.