you don't move me anymore... & im glad that you don't because i can't take it anymore...

because boys don't cry.

i want to puke, vomit all over the place. the anxiety i am feeling lately is out of control. my heart will rapidly beat in my chest, and i will feel my throat closing up, slowly, and then quicker and then i will feel this intense desire to vomit.

i am sick of feeling this way. i quit work, thank god, but i don't feel any better about anything. if anything, my life seems even more unstable than it was before. god, and all i want is that - stability. someone please, help me find some fucking stability. stop the goddamn drama. stop the stabbing in my heart. stop it all, please.

i can not handle having every guy i have ever cared for, loved, whatever, in my life all at the same time, all wanting something from me. all draining me, sucking the life out of me, wanting my attention, wanting my desire, wanting me to hate fuck them, wanting me to put everything i do after them, wanting to take me on another vacation away from it all.

ray is back. he is... so utterly confusing. i want to have the strength to tell him to go fuck himself, this guy that broke my heart and totally destroyed me - but i am also so fucking drawn to him, so fucking infatuated with him. i so desperately want to understand what makes him who he is. i want to confront him on his lies and see what he says. and then, then i want him to fall in love with me, and i suppose, i want to break a part of him, too, because he broke me. and all is fair in love and war and what happens between us is exactly that - thin lines between love and hate and war and fascination and absolute insanity. but despite all of that, he has always made me feel.... i don't know. it was love at first sociopathic sight. it was the most i have felt for someone in ages, years, whatever. i wanted to have a life with him. and we could have had that, if he wasn't such a fucking prick. and so, i want to know - why now, why jesus god, why now?

and why so much anxiety, why does it always feel like i am two steps away from my world falling apart? i thought things would change, but nothing has changed, nothing at all. everything is the same. its the same and its worse really, because there is the illusion of things changing, and they haven't and they didn't and why do i care? do i care?

i stared at the lake today and thought about drowning and how much i wanted to die. how i am so sick of everyone WANTING and TAKING and never giving anything back to me. how i just wanted to escape, and how i keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over again. when will i learn? when will i become strong enough to say no? what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i tolerate this bullshit?

i am serious when i say i no longer know who i am.

i really don't.

i'm not ready for these changes,

they are going to suck.

remind me what real friends are like.

it starts like this. i wake up, earlier than he does every day. so i tend to use that time before we go into the hell hole that is our work to check my email - letters generally from wim telling me life will be okay and that i am not a horrible person. i need to hear these things from him.

yesterday it was different. i was trying to log on to facebook when i came across the window he had left open. i am not so stupid as to think that while i am gone he & jeanne do not talk. however, i didn't expect to read the fucking conversation they had about me. i didn't read all of it, just what was in the window, but it was enough to know that he has been lying to me, and well she & he have a very skewed view of what friendship is. apparently i am the crazy one, the immature childish bitch. if he feels this way, and if - i am not important to him nor is my friendship (which i want to revoke anyhow) then it would be fucking awesome if he would leave my goddamn house. he is a liar, he lies to my face, and i take care of him like a mother. and like a mother, there is no reward, no fucking thank yous. its like having a teenager around. he sulks in my bed and makes me feel uncomfortable. when i am upset, he is nowhere to be found to ask me how i feel or what is wrong. it is the most one sided friendship. and oh, how not sorry they both are for what they have done to me. well, good, don't act like you are sorry. if they both love one another so fucking much - then why dont they go run off and leave me the fuck alone? she is a piece of work, i do not have words for what i think of her. lying to my face, lying to my mother's face, trying to act as though i am the one who is paranoid. bullshit, i knew all along. why does everyone act like i am so goddamn stupid?

so i woke him up and told him if he was going to talk about me to her then perhaps he should remember to close the damn window out. when i got home, after all of this, he was so interested in how my night was - why? i wondered why when it happened. then, he informs me that he has found a cheaper flight to belgium for me. um, why? i can only wonder what the fuck the two of them were talking about, but he certainly didn't do it because he gives a fuck about me or my happiness. more like - get rid of cor, and it will all be okay. pawn her off on wim.

there are so many things i regret telling her. she was supposed to be my best friend. i told her always how i felt, what was going on in my life, what i felt towards certain people. i tried so hard to be a good friend to her. i tried to be there for her when she had a bad day or when she was unhappy. and now, she knows my secrets, will use them against me. they both have rewritten how everything happened too. guilty perhaps? i know i am not wrong. now shes spending all her time bonding with ashley who has got to be loving the fact that i am the one who is 'bad' now. god, jeanne even talked about how that was coming and how she wouldn't do it. but she did. does it make her feel good to make me feel bad? dredging up all of the shit that i have supposedly done to her when we lived in chicago - i didn't say a thing about everything she has done to me. and how its all so funny that i had a breakdown, god, its so funny.

i hate her, and i am not ever going to talk to her again. i wish & hope for the worst. and, after what i read yesterday, i hate him as well. i had to spend the day comforting him because his favorite aunt died and in the end, he tells me that my 'comfort' isn't good enough. so i said he should go over to jeannes then. she will give him the comfort he desires. he rolled his eyes and got mad at me - as if, what he said to me wasnt hurtful at all. and i couldn't address what had happened in the morning because.... i didn't want to play into the game.

so today i wake up, get ready for the local dem convention. as i am leaving i tell him that he can go hang out with jeanne - i am not keeping them apart. im not. its just, don't expect me to help you or be your fucking friend. i tell him that i need to talk to him - i do, my mother has some issues and we need to figure some stuff out, and i end it by saying, i need to talk to you as well because you hurt my feelings and dont even care. i tell him i will be back by three. if he wants to talk and go to the movie (which we had planned on) i will be home by then. if he is not here, then he is with jeanne (and im sure his other walks have been to her house) and ok, thats fine. this is awkward for all of us. my family. him. me. and her - well she only cares about herself so fuck her. but i want out of this mess. so many things upon retrospect make so much more sense now that i can look back at them, and see them for what they were. i was never wrong in feeling left out. it was on purpose. i was never wrong in assuming they had feelings for each other - they do. i was never wrong in noticing how little jeanne has respect for me. i was never wrong when i said what i said to him... he admited it and then denied it. but - i was.... never wrong.

so how is it that i am crazy? paranoid? his letters to me were not what he says they were. and he never pulled them up - because they are wrong, he is wrong.

i hope to god i get rid of him today. i hope he doesnt come back here.

i hope she rots in hell.

i hope they both do.

i just want to be out of the picture. the whole time when i was upset - i kept saying "i dont exist. i don't exist here. it doesn't matter if i am here or not. it doesn't matter how i feel." they reassured me that they cared for & love me (HA) and that i was just being crazy & paranoid.

no.

i was being right.

and im not angry, im too tired to be angry.

i feel nothing

unless i think for a bit

and then well

then i feel really really fucking angry.

worth their weight in gold & then some.

thank fucking GODDESS for THIS book & for THIS one....

they are helping me so much.

figured i would share them, because i truly believe everyone should read them.... (and im not even done with them yet!)

divinely - feminine.

i have known for ages that i should listen to the few friends who give me advice, who take me seriously and who know me the best. These friends are the ones that i tell my secrets to, and who in turn, tell me theirs. All of them advised me against doing this - all of them have told me that she is a bad person who holds me down. I felt as though keeping her around when she was suffering and trying to help was my debt to her because she did as much for me. i never realized how much she resented me for that fact - the fact that she helped me when i was out of control and loosing it. I never realized how much hate and anger there was there. i never knew she was so full of dark. Well, i knew but i tried not to see it.

& so those of you who have warned me will be able to say a lot of "i told you so's..." because you were all right. I don't want to think about her anymore, and i really want her out of my life for good, because she does nothing but fuck me over, again and again, and resent me for being who i am. so she has to take what i have or don't have, and fuck with me, to feel whatever it is she needs to feel. i do not understand. i understand that female friendships are complex, and that we hurt those we care about the most. i am just tired of being walked on, and tired of being hurt.

i've been reading a lot of jung lately, to help me through this period. im attempting to figure out just what it was i was projecting onto him in order to feel better. why i allow his behaviors, which i won't allow others to have around me. why i let him do what he does to me. why i let THEM do what they do to me. Why this provokes inside of me panic attacks that are so bad i have quit eating & i have to force myself to shove food into my mouth, only to throw it back up again. So, what was it i was projecting onto him? what on god's earth was i looking for? i am still trying to figure it out. I have felt, more than ever, as of late, that i am going insane. that my reality is so far from what i feel emotionally and that, because i am so up and down all day long, i should be hospitalized. i have begged for it, but my mother, seeing this as a sign of weakness, refuses to allow me to get away and try to figure it out. I know that going into the hospital would do nothing for me, and would further make me seem like i am nuts - what i want is a vacation, a nice trip out into the woods, and a good week to think, alone, by myself. i need some solitude and i need to come back sane. i know this could happen, if i were to embark on this trip on my own, but, as of now, i am stuck in a nightmare circle that consists of working a job i really fucking hate where i am treated like shit and where my boss tells me i have a drug problem - unbeknownst to me - i was unaware that i was using opiates heavily. i don't even have a fucking vicodin script. ive come off of the majority of the meds that i used to deal with life because i found that i needed to face up to what was going on. do i still take pain killers? yes, when i am in pain. do i get high? sometimes because i don't take them often and i don't eat much lately. but am i getting high to avoid life? no, because the moment i do.... its the moment i fall fucking apart and i never come back. and i refuse to let all of this bullshit be what makes me go back to drugs. um, no thanks. um, no, fuck you guys. im stronger than that. im tougher than this.

my mother views crying as a form of weakness. she never cries. in turn, i am not allowed to cry very often, and certainly not because of how other people make me feel. instead, i am to be a tough ukrainian girl who has no feelings, or, who - if she does have feelings, will only aknowledge those of frustration, rage, anger, hate, spite, vindictiveness, & on and on. i do not hold grudges because i know my mother will continue to hold them for me, years after the fact when i have forgotten why i was so hurt in the first place.

my mother has been a great source lately, however, of comfort. she understands that i needed to fuck up my life and take a chance on these people, that i wanted to believe in goodness, and that i was enough. but i won't ever be enough and while i had these thoughts for a long time, they remained in the shadows. she doesn't resent me for this mistake, but, more or less, just wants it to be over, as i do. we all need to move on.

and i am working on that. life is lonely and i feel frail and broken. my father almost dying drained the last sense of sanity that i had left out of me. he is okay because he has 9 million lives, but what it puts us through, how scary it all is - i can't begin to describe. i wish i felt as though i could leave, but if i were to, i know he would die sooner, and i would feel guilty. i need to address this issue but it won't be until after he dies.

jealousy and hate are horrible feelings and i wish i could just stop feeling them. i wish i could work out what makes me feel so inadequate and fix it. i wish i could figure out why my life will be going really well and then it will suddenly get awful. mostly due to choices i have made. when i am hurt i do not like to be around others, and this is making my political career stutter. its not acceptable to just bail, and i know that. i have to fix that part of my life, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how to tell everyone what has been going on, and how i felt like i could only handle the easiest of tasks. how close i felt to dying. how often i had to fight the urges. how often i am sure, i will have to fight them. how hard it is to have a brain that is not balanced.

mostly, i just want a vacation. i looked up plane tickets to belgium today, as wim has invited me to come stay with him for a while. they range from $850 dollars to over $2 grand. and that is just the plane ticket, it doesn't involve anything else. i would want to come with my own money, i would want to contribute and not be a life sucking burden. dividing american dollars into euros - and with this horrible job, i can see that i won't be going to belgium anytime soon unless he flies me over there. and if he does, what if it all goes wrong? inevitably he will feel like i have used him, when that isnt the case. i really do love him, as much as i can love anyone right now. but i am also aware that wim loves what he can't have, as much as i do. i am also aware that mostly this is just sex, this desire to want to be with someone who understands me so completely and who, i have this amazing chemistry with both physically and sexually. i know i can not throw myself into another relationship with him to distract myself from how i am feeling right now, but it would be nice. we both welcome the distraction. i had a dream we got married, and it didn't even freak me out. in some ways, i have always seen myself with him, in the end. i needed to work through this disaster in order to get to that point. and i have been able to see that he has always loved me, in his logical wim like way, and that he is the only person i can count on to put me back together again. that i do, count on him, to be the voice of reason, to help me through the hard times, to say the right thing and not just stare at me lost and afraid of who i am. i know that he is good for me, that he is a huge reason as to why i have become the person i am today - that the good parts of me exist in part because he helps make them flourish - that he brings those things out in me. that i have always strived to be better for him, and not in a way where i feel like i am not good enough, but in a way that makes me feel closer to my whole. the letters we write to each other now have taken on a fervor and a passion that i didn't think we would ever have with each other again. i miss him, i miss him a lot and i wish we weren't so far away from one another. i hope that i am not projecting anything on to him, nor he onto me. we both realized we did that, and how bad it was. we've worked through it. for the most part.

i am hungry, and i am tired, and i am broken down and also broke, but, i believe it will get better in time. its been a horrible few weeks, and if i had listened to myself i would have known that, but i needed to also have this happen so that i could finally fucking realize that deep inside i always know what is going on, that i always know what i need, and that my dreams are ALWAYS trying to tell me something. It's about time i started to listen.

the day the devil was born.

it was a cold snowy rainy day outside when we went into starbucks to escape from the weather. somehow we got to talking about birthdays.

today is his birthday. he wanted me to bake him a ninja turtle cake.

why do i still remember this shit when i cant even tell you the day jeanne was born? april... april something. im horrible with dates.

today is his birthday

and i hate him.

& now you love me more than that.

there is a part of me that loves the fact that my intestines are curling into horrible knots, making me run to the bathroom to shit out everything that is bothering me. it seems appropriate given the situation. i am infected with disease, i need to get it out.

i finally have nothing to say. i am not okay with how things are going but i realize that my energies need to be placed elsewhere. i realize that i am stuck in this and that it has to run its course. one plus one equals two. two divide the one. i don't know how to fix this, how to not act like a child who is screaming because their toy got taken away. its not the right way to react, but i can't trust either of them, and that hurts me, too. i just... i dont know how. i flat out don't want to. i should have thought of that sooner, that this would only lead to a really bad burn. but what i have wanted is to move on from all of it, and this process will allow me to do that. how do i trust in the process when i feel like i am loosing my mind?

it requires so much work and i am exhausted. no one reads me well or understands me. i want to sleep for a thousand years and then wake up when everyone else has left. put me in a coma, please. this is all too complicated, all too hard and all too much.

i need to cash in all of my favors from everyone i know who lives overseas and go find them and find a few thousand dollars and never, fucking ever - come back here.

but for now i am stuck, and i do not believe in love or in common goals or in much of anything.

i will burrow into the ground for a while,

fall is coming.

___

he sent me a message last night telling me that he is falling in love with me. i didn't know what to think. being with him is an escape from my regular existence, my regular nightmarish existence, but i told him, and i meant it - that i would only hurt him, that i would only destroy him. i told him not to love me. i told him that i am difficult and crazy and unfair sometimes. i told him that i can be ruthlessly mean to those that i love for no reason what so ever. that when i am stressed out, i am even worse. he said nothing, just looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead, and held me tight. as i was falling asleep, he said those words, those words that make me run, and i said nothing because i was almost asleep and it seemed like a dream anyway. i like him, i do, i like him so much, much more than i ever expected, because we can read each other, because he is bright when he wants to be, but he is so lost and i didn't and dont want to be the girl who tries to help him find himself. i don't feel as though i know who i am right now, how the hell can i know who he is or help him figure that out? but he is nice to me, nicer than anyone i have ever known, and i know he would never do anything to betray me. i am just trying to breathe. two plus two equals four. and maybe that is what needs to happen.