(not my) teenage dream

its been ages, years, since i was a teenager even -
that i felt the urge to
crawl trembling
curl
into the fetal
and slice the bits of skin
that cover me with a razor
while smiling with
satisfaction
as the blood rushed out
knowing that i was a living
breathing being
fully aware that i was
the one who was
destroying myself
never feeling more alive
than in that moment
when the metal
slices open
my skin


& it scares me
that i am loosing
all sense of normality
all sense of who i am
that my depression
my insanity
is sinking me into
this disgusting thing
who wants to hurt herself
so she can feel something
other than ugly, awful, mundane,
plain, unwanted, sad, horrible,
pathetic, rebounded, dumb, stuck,
surrounded by sycophants, nasty,
unloved, unforgivable, hypocritical,
hated, her own worst enemy,
never going to make it anyway,
a fucking joke, who will never find
a person who will love her warts & all,
always trying to please people who are
so not worth pleasing and
did i mention stuck? - miserable,
for-ever-questioning what the hell
the point even is in breathing -
yet- not able to give up just yet -

and so instead
i day dreamed of the days
when i -
put metal to skin
the satisfying rush of blood
how the line doesn't rush right away
but shows up like invisible ink
the anger the hate the self hate
clarity came that i don't hate myself
and that's the difference
which is why i didn't even bother
and instead
i went outside to clean
the elderly neighbor's
mailbox which got covered
in garlic couscous
mustard, salami,
and more garlic
(they must have wanted to
keep the glittering twilight vampires away?)
by the concurring teenage football team
and i had to laugh at the irony of it all
these teenagers -
enacting random acts of completely
stupid vandalism upon strangers -
and i -
as a teen
sat in my room
vandalizing my wrists,
arms, legs,
flesh -
myself.

24 hours from now might as well be 24 years.

he looks at me and finally tells me that he is leaving to go over to her house. i ask why. he tells me he needs money. hes getting money from her. shes paying him back? wow, she's never paid me back anything, but thats nothing new. earlier in the evening i asked her if he was there. she said no. ive had a few civil conversations with her, and i know he is hoping we can all become one happy family, but it isnt going to happen. i can't have her in my life. and im really just bidding my time until he is out of here. when i told him that i could no longer have him sleep with me in my bed - that it fucks with me emotionally, that it isn't right to do to wynn, and really it isnt right of him to do to jeanne - not that he seems to care - he turned it into a big huge fucking blow up argument. i can not communicate with him or to him about anything. not how i feel, not what is going on in my life, not what i am thinking about, not what i am missing, not my hopes or dreams. he is so far from being anything like my twin that it is really beyond laughable. this person - this person doesn't care about me or my feelings - he slept with me and right after he called jeanne. thats a person who really doesn't care about my feelings. he only cares about himself. it was after that moment that i let go of any sort of hope or dreams that i had that there was a person in him that wasn't horrible or 100% selfish. that wasn't all dark and evil. that act showed me how little i meant - and how much i am being used, continually.

on the upside, i have reached a point where i no longer end up having panic attacks when i know he is with jeanne having some wonderful quasi romantic outing - they deserve that and each other and if thats what they want, then great - i am respecting it - i only ask that jeanne respects me enough to get him out of my fucking house. because if they love one another that much, enough to destroy their friendships with me - they can at least remove me from the picture instead of keeping me stuck in it and feeling awkward and often still reminded of the rejection that took place. i understand that this is, of course, asking too much. but i knew he would go see her today, i knew it like i knew the sun would rise. and sure enough he is with her. i just don't understand why they try to act differently. i don't understand why he tries to pretend like he doesn't talk about me to her, when i know he does. i don't understand why he thinks he deserves to have my trust. what trust? he broke it so many times, and like jeanne - this was the last fucking straw.

so if sometimes i say - wynn actually genuinely gives a shit about me, he actually wants to know what i am upset about and doesn't use it against me, he actually wants to help me and hold me and fix me - i mean it. he does. i don't believe for a second that zak dean gives a fuck about how i feel or if i am suicidal and unhappy - he doesn't try to help me or even talk to me about it. instead he tends to make the feeling worse by reminding me how i don't have it nearly as rough as he does. and how i am 'all he has.' and i correct him and say 'oh but you have jeanne too and don't forget you like her far more than you like me.' which is true and which shuts him up. he says i am a liar because i said there would be no relationship between us but when he sent me letters they implied more than anything a relationship. that was how i took it. i say he is a liar and hes betrayed me because for the past year now, all i have asked is that he doesn't get with my best friend - that he doesn't mind fuck me that way - because it hurts me in ways i cant even begin to put words to. he promised he wouldn't. and what was the first thing he did? oh, that. and so he tries with his rightious indigation to say i am the one who is wrong - but im not. i brought up the one thing i asked of him, and he said "oh fuck, shit, yeah...god cor, im so sorry."
through tears, i looked at him "sorry? are you? yeah.. right. youre always so fucking sorry, aren't you."

but the truth of the matter is, im no longer angry.
i don't like him like that, and half the time, i really can't even stand him.
he doesn't feel like a friend. he doesn't treat me like a friend, or someone who matters to him.
he treats me like i will always be around, someone to always take care of him
someone for him to always walk all over.
its not going to last much longer.
i had to get on another anti-depressant, and a mood stabilizer
because ive been so depressed and suicidal since he got here.
his energy - its bad energy. i want it away from me.
there isnt anything to work out. sometimes, people are just... horrible.
sometimes they are just black holes.

im looking at finding a job,
finding a place to move away from them and everyone here
a way to start over.
looking at going to school again,
visiting wim,
visiting greer
attempting to get rid of the negative aspects of my life
which is going to be a slow process
but none the less
learning to not let things that i know are stupid upset me
when its not me that is upset, rather it is my ego
and really, my ego can take it
i wont always win
and really - was this a battle i wanted to win? seriously?
come on?
if i had won this, what would it say about me as a person?
it would say nothing good.
it would say i don't process my feelings, i take a ton of drugs & abuse them, that i act childish, that i haven't worked out my issues or my shit and instead pin it on others, that i refuse to grow up and blame others for my faults - it would say that these past six years - i have learned nothing and grown little if none at all. they say you attract what you are - im definately not him. im so fucking far above him. he hates himself so much that it oozes out of his conversations, in the way he moves, the way he talks and what he even talks about. she hates herself too. its in the way she treats other people, herself, how she looks, how lazy she is, how angry she is. how many benzos she takes to get through the day. anything to avoid feeling.

and me - i don't take drugs unless i have to. unless the pain is too much to bare, unless the panic attack is lurking in my throat. unless i have been throwing up. i analyze my feelings constantly and ask myself why i am doing what i am doing and try to correct my mistakes. i read constantly - about psychology, myth, addiction, co-dependancy, jung. i accept all responsibility for my mistakes. i apologize when i am wrong. i have civil conversations and i try hard to not attack those who have hurt me although sometimes it is really hard. in general, i have relationships with people that are all very stable and not full of drama. the adults around me respect me and feel like i am very much together and very bright. they can't believe what i have been through and how i have gotten to this point. i can say openly that i do not hate who i am. i can also say that lately i have wanted very much to die. its been very stressful, very hard, to do nothing all day, to loose a job i loved - a perfect job for me and then go to working a horrible job where everyone talked shit about how i am a drug addict - when i am not. i never even got a chance. and it really hurt and upset me. especially when everyone who works there is on something, and yet, i had problems? cos... i didn't. so i quit, because it was killing my body and now i am broke with too much time on my hands. i need to go back to school if i can, and i need a better job and i need to figure this shit out this week. i need to quit being so depressed but its hard when everyone in this house is so depressed - hanging by a thread, and the person who shares this room with me - is constantly talking about wanting to die. as if that is my fault.

and wynn, hes very nice, very good to me. i like him but he is now madly in love with me. i dont know what to do. i can say i love him, in ways i do, but hes not perfect for me. hes not smart enough, definately not ambitious enough. he has the ability to go to whatever college he wants to and he would rather work a shit job and drink. hes an alcoholic and... hes not really working on that one. and, i can't be with someone who is that fucked up. who turns me into his new drug, which is what is happening. im going to fail. i wont give him what he needs. which is constant attention. i need space. i need time to figure out who i am and what i want. because i am still really confused and really hurt. and i still interact with a person who is constantly stabbing me with his words.

its a slow burn.

he tells me i am stupid, to let this go on for as long as it has. he says it is my life and i am the only one who can fix it. i can feel the love he had for me draining away, word by word. i have told him that i do not know who i am, or what i am doing, or what is going to happen. i wonder if he understands how hard it is to not get attached to the idea of him - the idea of that safety. i wonder if he understands that i won't ever find someone like him again, and that i miss him, constantly, most especially when i am freaking the fuck out.

when i tell him i love him, i mean it, i just don't know where it all fits into the picture. two continents that are too far away, and two lives that are so different. he is more whole than i am, he isn't trying to fill in the pieces of emptiness every day. and i know better, i know better, that i can not fill what is burning inside of me. that i need to know what the hell my problem really is. i just dont even have a clue as to where to start with that project. i really don't.

and i don't want to hurt him by telling him the details of my life, but he wants to know, so i tell him and i am thinking i shouldn't. he knows if i do not write to him i am not okay, not at all, and he knows me - who i am. but i do not know if he loves me, or the parts of me that i do not understand, that are bad, that burn inside of me.

so instead of even beginning to figure out what i am doing, yesterday i slept until one fourty five, and then i took a shower. zak came home, we went out for middle eastern food and then we went to the beach, where i started to think, got depressed and then i went and hung out with wynn. wynn and i saw dinner for schmucks, and then i came home.

to find zak not here. he eventually showed up around 2 in the morning, saying he though he had passed out while on his walk. he can't account for a huge chunk of time. i just assumed he was at jeannes. and maybe he was. who the hell knows. but he looked like he was going to die. so i forced him to eat, and drink some water, and get some sleep. he is going to kill himself soon just by being so stupid - by not eating and taking even the slightest care of himself. i feel like i am his mother, always taking care of him.

so here i am, wide awake-ish, anxious as all hell, and, truly wondering what i am going to do with my day.

i spent all last night catching up on heather's blog entries. i wish sometimes i could write like her. and her stories, they are so insane. i am jealous & envious of the fact that she has taken her fucked up life & turned it into books, where as i - can't seem to figure out for the life of me just what it is i want to say. what stories do i tell? how do i even begin to tell them? where do i even start?

ive been thinking about going back through the journals i had from when i lived in arizona. i havent read them in years and i am curious as to what they even say. i am curious as to if i have changed my life all that much or if i am still repeating the same patterns, minus the drugs.

have i learned anything from all of that?

i sometimes wonder. i think ive just learned how to be more afraid... of loosing someone.

which is why i can never cut the cords.

you don't move me anymore... & im glad that you don't because i can't take it anymore...

because boys don't cry.

i want to puke, vomit all over the place. the anxiety i am feeling lately is out of control. my heart will rapidly beat in my chest, and i will feel my throat closing up, slowly, and then quicker and then i will feel this intense desire to vomit.

i am sick of feeling this way. i quit work, thank god, but i don't feel any better about anything. if anything, my life seems even more unstable than it was before. god, and all i want is that - stability. someone please, help me find some fucking stability. stop the goddamn drama. stop the stabbing in my heart. stop it all, please.

i can not handle having every guy i have ever cared for, loved, whatever, in my life all at the same time, all wanting something from me. all draining me, sucking the life out of me, wanting my attention, wanting my desire, wanting me to hate fuck them, wanting me to put everything i do after them, wanting to take me on another vacation away from it all.

ray is back. he is... so utterly confusing. i want to have the strength to tell him to go fuck himself, this guy that broke my heart and totally destroyed me - but i am also so fucking drawn to him, so fucking infatuated with him. i so desperately want to understand what makes him who he is. i want to confront him on his lies and see what he says. and then, then i want him to fall in love with me, and i suppose, i want to break a part of him, too, because he broke me. and all is fair in love and war and what happens between us is exactly that - thin lines between love and hate and war and fascination and absolute insanity. but despite all of that, he has always made me feel.... i don't know. it was love at first sociopathic sight. it was the most i have felt for someone in ages, years, whatever. i wanted to have a life with him. and we could have had that, if he wasn't such a fucking prick. and so, i want to know - why now, why jesus god, why now?

and why so much anxiety, why does it always feel like i am two steps away from my world falling apart? i thought things would change, but nothing has changed, nothing at all. everything is the same. its the same and its worse really, because there is the illusion of things changing, and they haven't and they didn't and why do i care? do i care?

i stared at the lake today and thought about drowning and how much i wanted to die. how i am so sick of everyone WANTING and TAKING and never giving anything back to me. how i just wanted to escape, and how i keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over again. when will i learn? when will i become strong enough to say no? what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i tolerate this bullshit?

i am serious when i say i no longer know who i am.

i really don't.

i'm not ready for these changes,

they are going to suck.

remind me what real friends are like.

it starts like this. i wake up, earlier than he does every day. so i tend to use that time before we go into the hell hole that is our work to check my email - letters generally from wim telling me life will be okay and that i am not a horrible person. i need to hear these things from him.

yesterday it was different. i was trying to log on to facebook when i came across the window he had left open. i am not so stupid as to think that while i am gone he & jeanne do not talk. however, i didn't expect to read the fucking conversation they had about me. i didn't read all of it, just what was in the window, but it was enough to know that he has been lying to me, and well she & he have a very skewed view of what friendship is. apparently i am the crazy one, the immature childish bitch. if he feels this way, and if - i am not important to him nor is my friendship (which i want to revoke anyhow) then it would be fucking awesome if he would leave my goddamn house. he is a liar, he lies to my face, and i take care of him like a mother. and like a mother, there is no reward, no fucking thank yous. its like having a teenager around. he sulks in my bed and makes me feel uncomfortable. when i am upset, he is nowhere to be found to ask me how i feel or what is wrong. it is the most one sided friendship. and oh, how not sorry they both are for what they have done to me. well, good, don't act like you are sorry. if they both love one another so fucking much - then why dont they go run off and leave me the fuck alone? she is a piece of work, i do not have words for what i think of her. lying to my face, lying to my mother's face, trying to act as though i am the one who is paranoid. bullshit, i knew all along. why does everyone act like i am so goddamn stupid?

so i woke him up and told him if he was going to talk about me to her then perhaps he should remember to close the damn window out. when i got home, after all of this, he was so interested in how my night was - why? i wondered why when it happened. then, he informs me that he has found a cheaper flight to belgium for me. um, why? i can only wonder what the fuck the two of them were talking about, but he certainly didn't do it because he gives a fuck about me or my happiness. more like - get rid of cor, and it will all be okay. pawn her off on wim.

there are so many things i regret telling her. she was supposed to be my best friend. i told her always how i felt, what was going on in my life, what i felt towards certain people. i tried so hard to be a good friend to her. i tried to be there for her when she had a bad day or when she was unhappy. and now, she knows my secrets, will use them against me. they both have rewritten how everything happened too. guilty perhaps? i know i am not wrong. now shes spending all her time bonding with ashley who has got to be loving the fact that i am the one who is 'bad' now. god, jeanne even talked about how that was coming and how she wouldn't do it. but she did. does it make her feel good to make me feel bad? dredging up all of the shit that i have supposedly done to her when we lived in chicago - i didn't say a thing about everything she has done to me. and how its all so funny that i had a breakdown, god, its so funny.

i hate her, and i am not ever going to talk to her again. i wish & hope for the worst. and, after what i read yesterday, i hate him as well. i had to spend the day comforting him because his favorite aunt died and in the end, he tells me that my 'comfort' isn't good enough. so i said he should go over to jeannes then. she will give him the comfort he desires. he rolled his eyes and got mad at me - as if, what he said to me wasnt hurtful at all. and i couldn't address what had happened in the morning because.... i didn't want to play into the game.

so today i wake up, get ready for the local dem convention. as i am leaving i tell him that he can go hang out with jeanne - i am not keeping them apart. im not. its just, don't expect me to help you or be your fucking friend. i tell him that i need to talk to him - i do, my mother has some issues and we need to figure some stuff out, and i end it by saying, i need to talk to you as well because you hurt my feelings and dont even care. i tell him i will be back by three. if he wants to talk and go to the movie (which we had planned on) i will be home by then. if he is not here, then he is with jeanne (and im sure his other walks have been to her house) and ok, thats fine. this is awkward for all of us. my family. him. me. and her - well she only cares about herself so fuck her. but i want out of this mess. so many things upon retrospect make so much more sense now that i can look back at them, and see them for what they were. i was never wrong in feeling left out. it was on purpose. i was never wrong in assuming they had feelings for each other - they do. i was never wrong in noticing how little jeanne has respect for me. i was never wrong when i said what i said to him... he admited it and then denied it. but - i was.... never wrong.

so how is it that i am crazy? paranoid? his letters to me were not what he says they were. and he never pulled them up - because they are wrong, he is wrong.

i hope to god i get rid of him today. i hope he doesnt come back here.

i hope she rots in hell.

i hope they both do.

i just want to be out of the picture. the whole time when i was upset - i kept saying "i dont exist. i don't exist here. it doesn't matter if i am here or not. it doesn't matter how i feel." they reassured me that they cared for & love me (HA) and that i was just being crazy & paranoid.

no.

i was being right.

and im not angry, im too tired to be angry.

i feel nothing

unless i think for a bit

and then well

then i feel really really fucking angry.

worth their weight in gold & then some.

thank fucking GODDESS for THIS book & for THIS one....

they are helping me so much.

figured i would share them, because i truly believe everyone should read them.... (and im not even done with them yet!)