Saturday, May 22, 2010

the start.

I awake from my dream with my heart pounding in my chest
and i thought of you and how you are so far away
you most likely will always be far from me
and its not like i crave your company
(i am used to being left alone)
but, i crave who we both once were

I want to go for a walk &
i want to get high &
i want my tooth to stop throbbing,
i want to write something that means
something to others
and i want to quit feeling like
my life has fallen apart.

since my dream occurred in the desert, once i woke up i tried to remember what life had been like when i was there. Its impossible to remember, most of it, because i was always so high on
anesthetic powders, in attempts to pretend like i felt fine. I tried to recall what it felt like sleeping in that bed, or, what it was like when we went for hikes in the mountains. All i really remember is swimming while on drugs & how much fun that was because it was almost like i was going to die. At 22, i never gave a shit about life. It was just us, two impossible planets trying to orbit around each other. I wonder sometimes if what i had with you was really love, or if, its just the memory of you that i love. I am 29, now, and, i don't do drugs, i don't drink much, and i have no idea who the hell i am anymore. I fall asleep in a bed that is too big for me, that is, impossibly always covered in books & magazines, which was something you always hated about me - my pack-rat ways.

b) after my dream, and, after i woke up with my heart beating in my chest, i saw a red flashing light. I have no idea what is going on with you, but i suspect it isn't good. If i am not doing well, than i know you can not possibly be okay. it is so fucked up how connected we are, but, we always attempt to act like there is no connection. do you know how much i have loved you? no matter how much you fuck me over, you are always the one constant i will keep in my life until i die. or until you die. remember once when you told me about that dream you had, and how, we were listening to New Order before i drove us off a cliff, smiling. That seems to be the most accurate portrayal of who we both are to each other. I have hit a writers block, and I know that you would understand. I spend a lot of time during the day just laying here, staring at walls, trying to think about just what it is I want to say. I have no idea. What is the purpose? Why am I still alive? I wish I had something to believe in, or at least, someone to believe in me. I don't know anymore where I am going. I write apologies through facebook to friends that once knew me about how sorry i am that i was so fucked up and not able to be anything other than a girl ten inches from her own death. My apologies arent for anyone other than myself. Its as though, if i say it enough times, i will finally forgive myself for all of my major sins & fuck ups. For being weak, for not just sucking it up and dealing with life. I suck it up now but i feel like i am going to be coming close to another melt down. While, all around me, i watch people's relationships fall apart.

c)i can not, stop thinking about you, and the space you occupied in my bed. I shouldn't miss you, i shouldn't want to see you or participate in your life, since you are a pretty rotten person. But, you remind me so much of me, and it felt so balanced out - a new way to punish myself. I loved you but who the fuck are you, anyway? In retrospect nearly all of what you told me doesn't make nearly enough sense, but, its funny because i didn't want to see it. I wanted what you were offering to me, and i was perfectly content to take it, until i became aware how full of shit the whole situation was. I can't even begin to talk about how i have such a large overwhelming disdain towards fucking i-phones & how whenever i see one, i want to chuck it into the lake, because that goddamn phone was always more important that me - the physical, actual, breathing person next to you. Ive been so sick all week, and, what i wanted more than anything, was to lay in bed with you and watch bad tv & stupid movies. But then i would blink, and, you would be gone, and, i would remember again how awful you made me feel. You never touched me that much & it made me feel parasitic. i hate the body i am housed in & i hate how it makes me feel. There is an obvious disconnect from who i am & the body i am housed in. I never feel comfortable in this thing. As the sun started to raise and i could see the light peeking in between the windows, i thought again, about you.

It doesn't matter who is next to me, i will always feel alone.