Friday, July 30, 2010

my 11:59 feelings

im often talking about how in a room full of people i know, i will inevitably always feel alone.
my thoughts are eating me up, keeping me awake at night, and driving me insane.
three is a horrible number. its even worse when those that you are with don't even notice you are there.
three is a lonely number.
if i am going to feel alone around those who are supposed to be my best friends when i am with them,
what the fuck is the point in even being with them?
perhaps i should just spend the time alone.

i do not know what i am doing. i am trying to breathe. deeply. take a deep breath, cor.
roots. the roots are growing from your feet, into the ground, deep down into the earth.
you are planting yourself a new life, a better existence, you are at one with the elements, you are alive -
and isn't life supposed to be the most precious gift?

and yet, i am distraught. i should be happy, i should be all excited - all of these friends around,
but all of this change, it eats at me.
i left my body long ago.

i hate the silence. i am not your best friend. i am not your best friend, either.
spirit says,
do not trust, youre going to get fucked over.
and im waiting for it.
i let you both walk all over me.
why?

i have found that i can not trust those that try to act as though i should trust them the most.
i have found that i feel nothing right now for anyone. i am on automatic.
i have been rejected. im waiting for the abandonment. its right around the corner,
a train calling at me, saying,
get on. your stop will be here soon. you've got much to learn, little girl.


----
i used to have a telepathic connection with my best friend in the whole wide world. we fought viciously, we hated each other with a passion i have never felt towards anyone. we loved each other with that same passion. he could look at my face and read what i was thinking, he could look at me and we would have a whole conversation just by shared looks. it was never awkward, it was always how these things should be. it ran its course, and i suffered a betrayal by him on multiple levels, through multiple ways, and it took me about five years to finally get over it. but the scars still remain. whenever i think i can trust someone, i start to notice little things, small things, and i start to isolate myself. i start to wonder if any sort of friendship is worth it - when those who know me the best seem to always be the ones who hurt me the most. i don't want to feel this sort of paranoia, this sort of anxiety or this kind of depression. but its the only thing i know. when it feels like it is going to get bad, when it feels like i am going to be hurt -

and i have been,
its time to run away for a while.
i sometimes think that the superficial stupid friendships i have with people that i openly do not like are the ones i am doomed to.
i wanted to feel a connection, i wanted to be able to trust, i wanted to not be lied to.
i am a fucking moron for thinking that this could all happen.
but i wanted to try to be optimistic. i wanted to try for once to not feel like i am doomed.
---

as i was falling asleep, he mumbled that he loves me.
i pretended not to hear it.
you can not love me. i am not worth loving right now.
i am unlovable. maybe i am the island.
i don't want to hear it.

the last time i heard those words, i was thrown away like i am nothing more than trash.
after a bunch of passive aggressive bullshit,
i discovered how many lies i was being told
and i dared to stand up for myself,
to say it wasn't okay to lie to me, to pretend like i was no longer important
to make plans with me,
to start this life together
and then to abandon it and me after a
four hour
plane trip to boston
as soon as the wheels touched the tarmac.

so i spent a week, wallowing in my bed,
feeling worthless, feeling like i was crazy
because obviously i had to be if he said so
he - the compulsive liar
all i had wanted was for someone to love me,
but he kept changing me and trying to make me
into a girl i was not.
a quiet mute girl who tolerated never being touched
as though i was a disease
who never said what she was really thinking
because if i did
it caused a fit
who tolerated
his lies,
his ability to love me & then to reject me
within about a span of ten minutes
(now that is acting)

what a mind fuck.
i swore afterwards, i would really work on
who i am because being with him and
being hurt so badly by him had - obviously
made me question who the hell i had become

i worked on those issues,
the ones he created inside of me,
except for the fact that -
i can not trust
i generally believe everyone is lying to me,
and if anyone says those words to me
my immediate reaction is to
run as far the fuck away as possible.

i love you,
the words are so hollow.
it means nothing when its as though
i am not even there
and i am right next to you all the time

i love you,
when you don't even know
who i am. when, i have hidden
the parts of me that i don't think
you should see.

its just -
im a broken doll,
with no arms to lift
and my heart was stabbed away
long ago for a ritual
so i could one day
find what i was looking for.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

antwerpen.


i was swimming in a pool
the first time in years
while under the light of the
full moon,

the people who were there,
kept talking about belgium
they were facinated with it,
talking about how the water was
so tainted that you couldn't drink it
and so,
everyone drank beer.
& we all know that belgians
have the best beer -
and chocolate.

i wanted to say,
i once was in love with a belgian
who came to see me and saw me through
the scariest moment of my life
who held my hand and
when the doctors asked who he was
he calmly looked at them and said
'her fiancee.'
and i looked up at him,
i could see it was something he meant,
and also that, it was meant to make
me laugh & i did
although the laughing really hurt

i have never seen anyones eyes
electric blue and full of life
filled with such concern over -
my well being
for the first time i felt
safe -

i wanted to say,
girls, you should really get
yourself a belgian
they speak many languages,
theyre very tall and thin
and they tend to all look
really good (from what i have seen)
and they are really educated
& for the most part they won't hate
you for being who you are

i wanted to say,
get yourself a good belgian lover
and never let him go
hold him tightly at night
and if you are lucky
you will have some of the best sex
that you have ever had in your life
(europeans, you know... they just
do it better....)

instead,
i remained quiet
i stared at the moon,
thought about how we always
were supposed to swim together
and how,
at least with my belgian
i know i have found the one person
who will never fully abandon me
and,

in that moment,
i missed him.
and i thought about
how i saw his doppleganger
while in chicago
&
i longed
for those cold snowy days
when i looked like a raccoon
and how
we laid in bed for a week
doing nothing but exploring
everything about each other.

the moon was over head
and i hoped he could see it
and know how much i missed him,
in that moment.

katrina


i am drowning here,
lost five thousand miles from
the closest bar of sand
that i could find to stand on

and its all grainy
with water underneath
i know i am sinking,
and you sit there

watching,
all like an island
unto yourself
about yourself

thinking i am just
another one of the many
dumb girls whom you have
convinced will be something
more than -
a means to an end
a way for you to
get what you want &
inflict what has been inflicted
on you to someone that
you are supposed to care about

you were a karmic debt
you were a cloudy day with
a ray of sunlight and a bit of
hope

but now you are nothing
other than a raging storm
who stabs at the trees
breaking them with no concern
about the forest
or with any feelings
about the creatures
who call it home

you are an island
nothing but sand
you stick to me but i can
wash you off, brush you off,
swim away from you &
find a place far away from this
that will really feel like home

& then you will know
that every woman,
is a storm.

i will tell you the truth, she says. soon.


intense set of dreams including -

-drowning in lake michigan, and waking up with my heart racing, wide awake.
-robb sitting across from me in a thai restaurant. we were talking about something, something important that i do not remember. i rarely if ever dream of robb. a guy came up next to us and pulled out a bunch of scorpions. it was like a drug deal, only with scorpions. robb starts to laugh really hard, looks him in the eye, and pulls out a scorpion the size of my fist and arm. im just looking at this shit, terrified but not really. i felt like i was floating. robb warns me about something. but i do not know what.
-dream changes and i am in a car, where i am with friends. zak keeps arguing with me. i cant find him and i know he is leaving, but i can't get there in time. meanwhile, i meet these people outside of the thai place and go with them to look at some art in a mall. they then end up at my house where they argue with me & freak out because two of the people who showed up randomly (one was shannon stephens) are people they do not like. shannon's friend's face is all disfigured. melted almost. he caused an accident that the mother of the person i was hanging out with - as well as killed someone that woman loved. it was really uncomfortable. tense.
-i am in a high school. wearing headphones. listening to mogwai.
-zak and i are planning a trip out east. it involves a great deal of planning and i am on a train. there is arguing about what route to take.
-the last dream i have, i remember being in a car. a really fast car. with the woman who's all fucked up. and her husband. then she disappears. and the car wrecks. and i wake up with my heart in my throat.
-went back to sleep for a bit, and was on a plane. its some weird special plane. zak had left and i was trying to find him again. i found him on the plane. its full of weird people - distorted people who are trying to walk on ice in high heels - men and women. leopard print, i remember that. someone famous is on the plane. jeanne is there too. i end up seeing jeanne & zak making out. i don't feel anything. not even angry.

the end.

today has been super uncomfortable for me. i don't feel like i am in my own skin. i am unhappy and yet i can not figure out why i am. i spent a few hours trying to figure this out today, and, nothing came. i am over-whelmed, and yet, i also do not feel anything. it fluctuates through out the day. i am so fucking anxious.
i feel like i am going to be betrayed but by who i don't really know.
i want to go away for a while & be left alone.
i feel like i need to think about so many things, so so many things and all of them are overwhelming. i want to cry but i can't and i dont know why i want to. i feel intensely awkward and unlikable.

scott wont leave me alone & wants everything back from working with him because i refuse to kiss his ass. he fucking fired me, more or less. why do i owe him anything?

wim sent me a fucked up letter today too, adding to everything else and making me feel really confused and lost.

i dont know who i am anymore.
i really mean this.
i have lost myself somehow.

Monday, July 26, 2010

i've never been golden.


i feel like an asshole. i spent the weekend with wynn, and, of course i have started to develop these feelings for him. i lay in his arms last night, and all i could think about was how i am awful, awful - that, in hours my twin would be arriving, and, how could i.....

finally get what i want - finally get the real moment & chance that i have been waiting for, and now, be emotionally entangled in a relationship (of sorts... i refuse to let it become anything more than hanging out and sex... but thats what a relationship is, isn't it?) a relationship which i denied for a very long time, and yet, it came to be because it was just what i needed. someone who treats me with respect & is so kind to me, and is light-hearted and goofy. i am much too serious for my own good.

and yet - my twin, he will be here in four hours! 4 hours! i never thought this day would come. i never thought i would get to spend time with him when both of us were.... not so fucked up. i don't know what to expect, and i dont want to hurt anyone, but what lies between us is something so pure and true and real. i never denied that. i always knew. he was always afraid. and now, now he's not? now he talks about us 'building a life together' and a part of me is so happy and so.... baffled, and the other part of me is terrified. terrified of rejection from him yet again, terrified of him breaking my heart if i open up, terrified of what kind of danger he can cause because he's not a simple person. i've longed for him in ways i have never spoken about. we have finally become honest with each other, finally worked out the kinks in this twinship of ours...

and yet, i laid with wynn & all of my dreams were about him. i was trying to find him over and over & i couldn't - he had disappeared. i was frantic. we talk about our dreams, he & i. and i sleep, when i finally fall asleep - so soundly - with him. when i would roll over, he would wake up and ask me if there was anything i needed.

i need.... to feel.... wanted, desired, needed, loved.
i do not want to have to choose. i know who will win. he has always won. he will always win. he is my other half. i can't have both, im not that type of girl.

4 hours.
how insane is that?
how insane, life is.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

& so it speaks.

1. twin will arrive here on monday. eeeee! so excited and so terrified.
a lot to talk about when it involves this but, i dont feel like doing that right now.
regardless to say i am happy and excited and looking forward to building a life with him.
life... is weird.

2. linds is moving here! so not only will i have my twin, but i will also have my one & only friend from college living right in this very town. i cant begin to go on about how thrilled i am about this. i am hoping to move in with her until her lease is up. so that would be from august to october.

3. i spent the night last night with wynn. i had written him off as being retarded. he's not, at all. he's just shy and weird. he's like a little boy in a lot of ways, but it is also adorable. he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body & he is so good to me. he treats me with respect (a shocker im not used to) and always pays for everything (again not used to this) and is... hes sweet. we went out to the pier & watched a bunch of lightning & i was slightly drunk so i was more open than i normally would be. hes so unsure of himself. im trying to get him to like, have some self esteem. it comes from within but it helps if someone believes in you. so, we went back to his house and laid around watching tv & talking. i also found out why the sex was so... basic, which is because for real he has never thought about those sort of things (WHAT?) and, has never had a girl be like... so what do you like, how does this feel, what are your fantasies, ect. he seemed shocked that i actually wanted him to get off & enjoy himself. there is a lot of potiential there, sexually, between us, its just i am going to have to teach him, get him to explore - ect. he's kind of like... a project. but, i slept soundly with him & when i would wake up with a headache he would rub my back and shoulders and neck & kiss me where it hurt. he finally was comfortable enough to start being a smart ass, which was good. i knew he had that in him.
im missing him tonight, although i know this is only going to complicate my life. he knows how i feel about his drinking and how i think he needs to get his shit together. we talked about him actually setting some goals & having someone push him to... grow up & do something with himself.

its just... once t arrives, its going to get complicated. how could it not get complicated? wynn knows all about the situation & knows how i feel - and that, you know, i am committing to no one anytime soon. so thats good. but i dont want to hurt him. i don't want to do that ever.

4. i still have to tell my parents that t is going to be arriving soon. theyre dead set against this but i need to do what i feel is right in my heart & in my soul. they will get over it, and most importantly, we will both move out. this is only temporary.

5. i am happy.
i hate not working, but, i am happy right now.
this is good.

-fin.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

because he's the other half of me


since i lost the whole entry i made, complete with links to film & photos, i am just going to put up here what i had at the end of the entry. it gets across the point that i was making without telling the whole story. my twin is coming to stay with me. i am willing to risk everything for him because i believe in him. i love him unconditionally in ways i have never been able to put into words. then i typed in soul twins in google & came up with this.... it is.... very accurate.

the story of how we came to exist, how we met, and of all we have been through is pretty insane & best left for another time. but, i believe in him & in the goodness of who he is, while i know his shadow self is quite horrible. but so is mine. i just want to help him. even if it means i end up getting kicked out of my house. there is so much going on, so much to write about but it is four in the morning and i really must sleep.






"Meeting the "other half of your soul" is generally so life changing and profound that this question is unnecessary.... you just know. Twin souls will both recognize this extraordinary bond, whether they are evolved and whole enough to acknowledge and act upon it is another thing. Meeting with your twin soul brings about an internal spiritual revolution, a deeper connection and understanding of the Divine and the Universal Oneness, this is the greatest gift of knowing your twin. Twin soul love is not to be confused with an obsessive/compulsive disorder, it's not a desire to "possess" another, but truly a challenge to love unconditionally and without expectation, to be whole and complete within yourself before joining with the other whole and complete side of your soul. The longing and desire to be with your twin soul is intense, but through growth and perception can be seen as the greater longing to join with the Divine, and that is the true lesson, you are two halves of a much greater whole.


When you meet your twin, there will be no "game-playing" or manipulation, you will have the need to be transparently honest in your relationship and communication with one another. If there is karma from past lives to work out between you, it will be apparent and consciously worked out. If you or your twin is committed to another relationship, you will respect and honor that bond and realize the tests of unconditional love. Meeting your twin soul challenges you to grow spiritually, heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and to see beyond time, ego, and physical limitations. You will be driven with the desire to be the best manifestation of your soul on earth. This is not a relatio
nship of hearts and flowers, but one that will be tested in fire and will endure beyond time and space."





"Soul mates," John continued, "were actually created for one another at the beginning of time, or what you call at the moment of the Big Bang. They vibrate at exactly the same electromagnetic frequency because they are identical counterparts of one another. Twin souls are more common to find because they have experienced many lifetimes together in one form or another. But soul mates were actually created at the beginning of time as pairs who belonged together... So you see, there is more to your Big Bang theory than you imagine... and quite romantic at that, wouldn't you say?"



Monday, July 19, 2010

a little bit late but written all the same.

It’s ironic, isn’t it that we survived. Both of us, the two girls he thought would die before him. The two girls he thought were more or less worthless but beautiful.

When I think about him, I don’t think about the bad things, because he is dead. He’s dead & he’s not coming back. I miss him and then if I really think about it, I realize that I don’t know who I miss. Maybe I miss myself before I became all damaged and broken. Maybe it’s not even him at all. And we turned him into some sort of jesus figure – he died so that we could live. But it isn’t even about that – he died because he only cared about himself, and he thought he was immortal, and he was always chasing the next high.

He had us risking our lives to run drugs through borders so that he could make more money that he would never let us touch. I remember how mad he got at me, the first time I did it. I was anxious & started a conversation with a border guard about whether or not I could bring a cat back from mexico, and if I did what would it need to have with it. Apparently they aren’t asked questions like that. The next thing I knew, all of my shit was being searched & I was thinking to myself – “well, they finally got me. There goes my life. Its jail in fucking Arizona for now on.” But, they didn’t catch us. And I remember how I got the worst lecture about how stupid I was, how could I be so fucking stupid? An hour car ride consisting of belittling me because I wasn’t as smart as him. Like I had ever fucking done anything that serious before.

I have always felt guilty for leaving him behind. But I had finally had enough. I had enough of the shit, and I had been writing diary entries about how I wanted to die, about how miserable I was out there & about how horrible he was. I was on the phone every other day to my parents, talking about how I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing there. I may have always used drugs, I may have been an addict, but at that point I was the one who was responsible for everything, I was the one who kept shit together. I wanted him to know that I kept it all together & he should fucking appreciate it. I wanted him to know that I was never so desperate as to stay with someone who treated me like I was beneath him. Now, I realize how much of a front it all was, how much of a joke, but, back then I was 22 and in love and na├»ve but I wasn’t stupid.

I wanted a pair of 12 dollar shoes. 12 dollar shoes after I had once again risked everything for five grand worth of drugs. I asked him for the 12 dollars. He refused. I called him names. He shoved me into a brick wall right in front of everyone. People stared. I was mortified. A moment later, crying, I went to the pay phone and called my family. Two days later, I was on a plane back to Chicago, with my cat in tow. Fuck it, and fuck him, I was done. Survivalism had finally kicked in. He blamed the drugs. He blamed me. Always with the fucking drugs. How the hell did I live through it? Looking back, I am aware of how lucky I am – to be sitting here in this car right now, breathing, alive, writing these words. I took anethestics because I was in pain, emotional & physical pain. I took them because that was what he did, and I didn’t know any better. I shot those drugs into his body after he made me practice on a goddamn orange for hours. I swam in pools, high & numb, and I didn’t drown but god did I want to. I was drowning in other ways. He wanted a life, he wanted money, he wanted marriage. We had rings and we had fights and they were vicious. He never believed I loved him though, and maybe I didn’t. maybe I did. I was still talking to tom, and, if I had been smart, I would have cut tom out sooner, but he was my best friend. He was my twin before I ever had a twin. He was the air I breathed until he strangled me. I couldn’t be devoted 100% to anyone. I wasn’t even devoted to myself.

And so I left. It was easy. It was scary and wrong how easy it was. I remember sitting next to a girl, this little girl, and how she told me stories on my whole flight home. I took a picture of her smiling face.

I have pictures of us, as a couple. I keep them buried. I have pictures of him with our children, the cats. I wanted a fucking animal so bad, it was so lonely in that cold house. So one day he surprised me & we went and got cats. He named his lestat, and I named mine Sebastian. Except that Sebastian was a girl, so she became ava coco adore. Lestat, god, he was never creative. He got rid of lestat shortly after I left. He called me every day for months begging me to come back ‘home,’ to have a life with him. I refused. I am surprised I was able to hold out. I wonder why I did. I don’t remember. Those memories, like a lot of them, are gone. Erased, after the last car accident.

When I developed the roll of film, I found a picture of myself, asleep, curled up with the kittens in my arms. He had taken it, in some moment of tenderness. That is the picture that makes my heart sink the most. It was an act of love, an act of devotion.

If he were still here, would we even talk? Would we be friends? Would we have become lovers again or would he have married heather or someone else? When I miss him, I think about that the most. And, I am always, always trying to find someone who is the right balance of him, my frist love, and now, ray. I think I loved ray so much because he was so much like him, but not nearly as stupid, not nearly as self destructive, but compelely full of self loathing, and full of horror stories that now make no sense to me. He was an island floating in my bed. But he was brilliant like him, and they would have become best friends – if he were still breathing.

It’s weird being older now. It’s weird having some sort of life – having a desire to accomplish things & realzing that your time can run out at any second & you have to make it count. You have to make it count.

‘But I don’t have the drugs to sort it out….”

Friday, July 9, 2010

contrast/compare


there is this kid that works at the local jimmy johns who always stares me in the eyes when i go in there. i have no idea what his name is, or how old he is (he seems young) but there's this weird electric thing that happens whenever i see him. he's got to be younger because he reminds me of the 20 year old guy i dreamed of when i was well... 20.

i need something, anything, to amuse me. i need to break a heart. is that malicious and wrong? i don't know. the only heart i broke i didn't intend to, i just needed to survive so i left. he's dead. there comes to be a bit of pride involved because i was the only girl to destroy him, whatever that means. he was the one who destroyed girls who fell madly in love with him. i challenged him. and i left.

so this kid, everytime i see him, i think about how i would like to fuck his brains out (god i need sex) and then walk away from it all. i don't know what this is all about. the electricity, i assume. maybe he is smart, maybe he isn't 19. hahaha, yeah fucking right.

i got off work today, got a bit drunk with my boss (well, we drink a decent amount anyway at work) and i met minnie his hen who lays eggs & is prolly the most spoiled hen in all of michigan. i really dug his house, its this old farm house - elegant, full of antiques and awesome random stuff, literature. i love my boss, i love my job. i'm lucky. and for once i have money. by november, when my job ends, i will be able to actually go on a real vacation. like, to somewhere overseas.

bright eyes, i listen to a lot of bright eyes right now.
but im not depressed.

this blog is going nowhere, so i think i am going to go watch the sun set at the beach.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

star shine


sitting reading the poetry
of the girl he loved when he died,
(it wasn't me or so she told me)
it's all revisionist history,
we make our own stories up
these days -
all i know is that he had
planned to call me the day
after he had died - it was
in the planner,
so it meant it was gold

i wish i had a dollar
for every time i feel this way,
lost & waking up after
having had a dream of him
(its all illusions - he has
better things to do there)

instead
ive got a headache
a bit of heartache, too
& i'm feeling
a little detatched from
the world.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

lovely broken thing


im sitting waiting for the klonopin to kick in so i can go to sleep. i have had a long day, a long, long day, which started out in kalamazoo, where we did an interview and some filming. i'm trying to negoitate being a campaign manager & saying things in a 'political' way, vs the way i usually say things, which tends to be blunt. it's weird to watch myself become... not so much a sell out, but, a professional, working, person with a career & drive & desires. i am generally exhausted every day (and i had to take two days off to just sleep) but i know that i function much better as a human being when i am busy, when i am thinking and most of all when i am learning. and i am learning so much. i have been thrown into the fire, but, its okay, because people believe in me. it's weird, its so weird - i am somebody. i am actively doing things to better the world. i am active in trying to make this country & this city & this state a better place, and i go to bed at night actually knowing that i am putting my time & energy into something worth while. how many people can say that about their jobs? not many.

it's not to say that my job doesn't drive me fucking insane, it does, but, i'm learning to deal with it. i am enjoying actually having a regular source of income, although it is nowhere near what i should get paid, i'll take it for now.

i don't want to write about politics in this blog because this is more or less a blog for me. i have only let a few people know it exists - just a few i trust, because, well, i know better than to let anyone i really know read what i really think in my real life.

usually i spend time in here writing about relationships, or the lack of them, or how fucked up they are. and they are, so fucked up. i am still not over mr.hollywood , although i know it all needed to happen. i just miss having someone i could talk to like that. it is a shame we couldn't be like, best friends. maybe when he grows up. as far as everyone else, i have made sure all of those situations dry up because i just can not handle the extra energy and effort it takes to have some guy demand that i be his everything, and give me oh - nothing. there are a few people, stragglers, who text message me, whom i ignore, because i don't want a relationship. also, their political views are very far from mine, and they all seem to ask why i would want to work in politics. i answer, why not? i have to be the change i see. ironically, it states in my natal chart that i will be totes awesome in politics.

ive been getting more.... interested in trying to connect with the spiritual part of myself. this is a hard task because i am very much a girl who is into the ideas of logic/science & yet i know there is so much else out there. it is this constant struggle and it is always killing me. so, i am trying to get 'in touch' with that cory, the cory that has always been a part of me but that i have ignored for quite some time because i knew it was going to take a lot of.... well, work. but, i really feel like now is the time to start these sort of endevours, because if i do not do it now, i will never do it. it needs to be now.

i need the balance.
justice is my personal card.
my rising sign is libra.
the sleeper has awakened...