across an ocean, you lay, in belgium. I don't know what to do with you anymore. I don't understand why everything has to be so complicated. I don't want to hurt you, and i don't want you to hurt me. I don't want to argue with you about our past, it's over, we can't do anything about it, can we? We can only try to never be those people again. I want you in my life, but i feel as though it is slowly killing me. I want to see you & know who you are now, and i understand that money & life gets in the way of these desires. I want you to look at me with fresh eyes & realize that everything i have been through has not destroyed me, it has made me this person i am right now & for the most part, i like her, so i want you to like her, too. But, it's so hard to be honest with you, about how i feel. i don't even know how i feel half the time. i only know when i sit here and just write and i don't think, it's just automatic. I suspect we will continue this dance until the end of time, attempting to understand one another but doing very poorly at it. i will always love you for how much you loved me, and how, on the day of the accident, you held my hand & really thought i was going to die. I have never seen that amount of concern towards me, or for me, in anyone's eyes other than my mothers. It was then i fell in love with you. And, it was then that everything got so complicated. you are there, i am here, you are who you are now, and i am who i am, and, i am not as you said 'the woman of your life.' although, i think that you may just be very wrong about that, because you can not let me go, either.
it's hot in here & i am in so much physical pain. I try to ignore it, but its impossible. I am so stressed out, detoxing from all these dumb medications that i wish i didn't have to take. it's become more apparent to me however that the truth of what to do about my body lies in the center of things - i can not go all natural, holistic, because it doesn't work all that great anyway. Science has it's perks, and those perks are medication, and i need it to sleep, i need it to stay remotely fucking level & sane, and i need it to not be in the crushing physical pain that i am in. So, it's a bit about eating right, being aware of what i am putting into this machine i am housed in, and a bit about slowly fixing things.
in other notes, i fucking desperately wish i had a therapist. And a job.
well, i am hoping to fix the desperation of the job situation today at five. We'll see. Working in politics is either going to give me motivation & energy or it is going to crush my very soul.