everything means everything

across an ocean, you lay, in belgium. I don't know what to do with you anymore. I don't understand why everything has to be so complicated. I don't want to hurt you, and i don't want you to hurt me. I don't want to argue with you about our past, it's over, we can't do anything about it, can we? We can only try to never be those people again. I want you in my life, but i feel as though it is slowly killing me. I want to see you & know who you are now, and i understand that money & life gets in the way of these desires. I want you to look at me with fresh eyes & realize that everything i have been through has not destroyed me, it has made me this person i am right now & for the most part, i like her, so i want you to like her, too. But, it's so hard to be honest with you, about how i feel. i don't even know how i feel half the time. i only know when i sit here and just write and i don't think, it's just automatic. I suspect we will continue this dance until the end of time, attempting to understand one another but doing very poorly at it. i will always love you for how much you loved me, and how, on the day of the accident, you held my hand & really thought i was going to die. I have never seen that amount of concern towards me, or for me, in anyone's eyes other than my mothers. It was then i fell in love with you. And, it was then that everything got so complicated. you are there, i am here, you are who you are now, and i am who i am, and, i am not as you said 'the woman of your life.' although, i think that you may just be very wrong about that, because you can not let me go, either.

it's hot in here & i am in so much physical pain. I try to ignore it, but its impossible. I am so stressed out, detoxing from all these dumb medications that i wish i didn't have to take. it's become more apparent to me however that the truth of what to do about my body lies in the center of things - i can not go all natural, holistic, because it doesn't work all that great anyway. Science has it's perks, and those perks are medication, and i need it to sleep, i need it to stay remotely fucking level & sane, and i need it to not be in the crushing physical pain that i am in. So, it's a bit about eating right, being aware of what i am putting into this machine i am housed in, and a bit about slowly fixing things.

in other notes, i fucking desperately wish i had a therapist. And a job.

well, i am hoping to fix the desperation of the job situation today at five. We'll see. Working in politics is either going to give me motivation & energy or it is going to crush my very soul.

It's a hollywood summer, you can't believe the shit that i'm in.

on my worst days, in the worst of my thoughts, i realize how utterly alone i am in this life. I realize how little i relate to everyone, that i am always struggling & fighting against something. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel depressed & yet, i know i have to fight it. This place is so insular, and i usually don't mind it, but lately i feel like i am trapped, drowning in gossip and relationships gone wrong as, in my head, i try to transport myself back to a time that will never ever exist again. it's gone & i mourn it, all the fucking time, whenever i feel like this, which, is cyclical but often.

And, i miss the ghost of the person i thought i could start over with. I don't ever stop thinking about him. How much he has broken me, how his pretending that i do not exist, not at all, will never exist again to him, is so... its so cruel. it's the cruelest thing he could have done to me, and he did it, and he did it well & he enjoyed it. I thought he would come back eventually, because i had grown to know his habits, grown to know him more - but i was wrong. And i miss him, i miss him whenever i meet someone new that i have something with, a spark, but then, when i compare it to what i had with him, it all just feels like trees that are dying. It all just feels fake. nothing should be forced. And, at the very least, we could talk for hours. I want that back. is this so selfish of me, to want that back? to want an exciting life where i go places & do things, where i am actually in love with the person who is standing next to me? why is this so goddamn hard to find?

Everywhere around me, my friends are having children, they are getting married, and it becomes clear that this path will not be one that i will be following anytime soon. I want a fistful of normality. Why is that so much to ask for? Why is it when people meet me, they just assume i am crazy & fucked up? I'm not. Not compared to... how it was before.

I want someone to challenge me. I want someone who will make some fucking decisions instead of defaulting back to me. I want someone with a mind that is so sexy i can't take my hands off of them because i want to meld with their brain. I want to breath them in & have them be my oxygen. I want to fall asleep & have them instinctually turn towards me & hold me, not turn away. I want my dogs to love them, and i want them to love my dogs. I want to not feel so goddamn alone. I want to be able to write an email to the ghost & have him respond. I want to be able to call you up & tell you all of my secrets, every confession that i would never tell anyone that has gone on since you died. I want to hear your voice & i want you to tell me it will be okay, it will be okay, that you lovey love me & that you don't hold any of it against me. I want to talk to the one who broke me & at the very least be friends. I want him to understand me. I want to not be crazy in his eyes.

Instead,

I am here. I have left a party because the last guy i was hanging out with was there, lurking, and when i said hi he looked right through me. The person i had spent the day with was hanging out next to him, saying god knows what about me, because that's all she does - talk shit. It became more and more uncomfortable as the sun set & all the couples paired off & i felt distant & alone & realized that none of those people are my friends, they're people i know, because of the lack of things to do around here, because we all live in the same area. And as much as i like it here, i also fucking hate it here, and i am so beyond ready to move on. I want to go out & meet someone some random night & have not ever heard stories about them. I want to know that at any party, on any train, crossing the street or whatever, i could meet the next person i will fall in love with. I need that possibility. I can not take knowing that i am here, stuck, drowning, sinking, alone with no one to grasp the concepts of what i am talking about or what i have been through. I want real friends, not people who stare right through me, or who talk about me the minute i leave their immediate vincinity. I want friends who, when i am with them, will actually hold a conversation.

I want to feel like my life is not like pulling fucking teeth, every goddamn day.

the start.

I awake from my dream with my heart pounding in my chest

and i thought of you and how you are so far away

you most likely will always be far from me

and its not like i crave your company

(i am used to being left alone)

but, i crave who we both once were

I want to go for a walk &

i want to get high &

i want my tooth to stop throbbing,

i want to write something that means

something to others

and i want to quit feeling like

my life has fallen apart.

______________________

a)

since my dream occurred in the desert, once i woke up i tried to remember what life had been like when i was there. Its impossible to remember, most of it, because i was always so high on

anesthetic powders, in attempts to pretend like i felt fine. I tried to recall what it felt like sleeping in that bed, or, what it was like when we went for hikes in the mountains. All i really remember is swimming while on drugs & how much fun that was because it was almost like i was going to die. At 22, i never gave a shit about life. It was just us, two impossible planets trying to orbit around each other. I wonder sometimes if what i had with you was really love, or if, its just the memory of you that i love. I am 29, now, and, i don't do drugs, i don't drink much, and i have no idea who the hell i am anymore. I fall asleep in a bed that is too big for me, that is, impossibly always covered in books & magazines, which was something you always hated about me - my pack-rat ways.

b) after my dream, and, after i woke up with my heart beating in my chest, i saw a red flashing light. I have no idea what is going on with you, but i suspect it isn't good. If i am not doing well, than i know you can not possibly be okay. it is so fucked up how connected we are, but, we always attempt to act like there is no connection. do you know how much i have loved you? no matter how much you fuck me over, you are always the one constant i will keep in my life until i die. or until you die. remember once when you told me about that dream you had, and how, we were listening to New Order before i drove us off a cliff, smiling. That seems to be the most accurate portrayal of who we both are to each other. I have hit a writers block, and I know that you would understand. I spend a lot of time during the day just laying here, staring at walls, trying to think about just what it is I want to say. I have no idea. What is the purpose? Why am I still alive? I wish I had something to believe in, or at least, someone to believe in me. I don't know anymore where I am going. I write apologies through facebook to friends that once knew me about how sorry i am that i was so fucked up and not able to be anything other than a girl ten inches from her own death. My apologies arent for anyone other than myself. Its as though, if i say it enough times, i will finally forgive myself for all of my major sins & fuck ups. For being weak, for not just sucking it up and dealing with life. I suck it up now but i feel like i am going to be coming close to another melt down. While, all around me, i watch people's relationships fall apart.

c)i can not, stop thinking about you, and the space you occupied in my bed. I shouldn't miss you, i shouldn't want to see you or participate in your life, since you are a pretty rotten person. But, you remind me so much of me, and it felt so balanced out - a new way to punish myself. I loved you but who the fuck are you, anyway? In retrospect nearly all of what you told me doesn't make nearly enough sense, but, its funny because i didn't want to see it. I wanted what you were offering to me, and i was perfectly content to take it, until i became aware how full of shit the whole situation was. I can't even begin to talk about how i have such a large overwhelming disdain towards fucking i-phones & how whenever i see one, i want to chuck it into the lake, because that goddamn phone was always more important that me - the physical, actual, breathing person next to you. Ive been so sick all week, and, what i wanted more than anything, was to lay in bed with you and watch bad tv & stupid movies. But then i would blink, and, you would be gone, and, i would remember again how awful you made me feel. You never touched me that much & it made me feel parasitic. i hate the body i am housed in & i hate how it makes me feel. There is an obvious disconnect from who i am & the body i am housed in. I never feel comfortable in this thing. As the sun started to raise and i could see the light peeking in between the windows, i thought again, about you.

It doesn't matter who is next to me, i will always feel alone.