my 11:59 feelings

im often talking about how in a room full of people i know, i will inevitably always feel alone.

my thoughts are eating me up, keeping me awake at night, and driving me insane.

three is a horrible number. its even worse when those that you are with don't even notice you are there.

three is a lonely number.

if i am going to feel alone around those who are supposed to be my best friends when i am with them,

what the fuck is the point in even being with them?

perhaps i should just spend the time alone.

i do not know what i am doing. i am trying to breathe. deeply. take a deep breath, cor.

roots. the roots are growing from your feet, into the ground, deep down into the earth.

you are planting yourself a new life, a better existence, you are at one with the elements, you are alive -

and isn't life supposed to be the most precious gift?

and yet, i am distraught. i should be happy, i should be all excited - all of these friends around,

but all of this change, it eats at me.

i left my body long ago.

i hate the silence. i am not your best friend. i am not your best friend, either.

spirit says,

do not trust, youre going to get fucked over.

and im waiting for it.

i let you both walk all over me.

why?

i have found that i can not trust those that try to act as though i should trust them the most.

i have found that i feel nothing right now for anyone. i am on automatic.

i have been rejected. im waiting for the abandonment. its right around the corner,

a train calling at me, saying,

get on. your stop will be here soon. you've got much to learn, little girl.

----

i used to have a telepathic connection with my best friend in the whole wide world. we fought viciously, we hated each other with a passion i have never felt towards anyone. we loved each other with that same passion. he could look at my face and read what i was thinking, he could look at me and we would have a whole conversation just by shared looks. it was never awkward, it was always how these things should be. it ran its course, and i suffered a betrayal by him on multiple levels, through multiple ways, and it took me about five years to finally get over it. but the scars still remain. whenever i think i can trust someone, i start to notice little things, small things, and i start to isolate myself. i start to wonder if any sort of friendship is worth it - when those who know me the best seem to always be the ones who hurt me the most. i don't want to feel this sort of paranoia, this sort of anxiety or this kind of depression. but its the only thing i know. when it feels like it is going to get bad, when it feels like i am going to be hurt -

and i have been,

its time to run away for a while.

i sometimes think that the superficial stupid friendships i have with people that i openly do not like are the ones i am doomed to.

i wanted to feel a connection, i wanted to be able to trust, i wanted to not be lied to.

i am a fucking moron for thinking that this could all happen.

but i wanted to try to be optimistic. i wanted to try for once to not feel like i am doomed.

---

as i was falling asleep, he mumbled that he loves me.

i pretended not to hear it.

you can not love me. i am not worth loving right now.

i am unlovable. maybe i am the island.

i don't want to hear it.

the last time i heard those words, i was thrown away like i am nothing more than trash.

after a bunch of passive aggressive bullshit,

i discovered how many lies i was being told

and i dared to stand up for myself,

to say it wasn't okay to lie to me, to pretend like i was no longer important

to make plans with me,

to start this life together

and then to abandon it and me after a

four hour

plane trip to boston

as soon as the wheels touched the tarmac.

so i spent a week, wallowing in my bed,

feeling worthless, feeling like i was crazy

because obviously i had to be if he said so

he - the compulsive liar

all i had wanted was for someone to love me,

but he kept changing me and trying to make me

into a girl i was not.

a quiet mute girl who tolerated never being touched

as though i was a disease

who never said what she was really thinking

because if i did

it caused a fit

who tolerated

his lies,

his ability to love me & then to reject me

within about a span of ten minutes

(now that is acting)

what a mind fuck.

i swore afterwards, i would really work on

who i am because being with him and

being hurt so badly by him had - obviously

made me question who the hell i had become

i worked on those issues,

the ones he created inside of me,

except for the fact that -

i can not trust

i generally believe everyone is lying to me,

and if anyone says those words to me

my immediate reaction is to

run as far the fuck away as possible.

i love you,

the words are so hollow.

it means nothing when its as though

i am not even there

and i am right next to you all the time

i love you,

when you don't even know

who i am. when, i have hidden

the parts of me that i don't think

you should see.

its just -

im a broken doll,

with no arms to lift

and my heart was stabbed away

long ago for a ritual

so i could one day

find what i was looking for.

antwerpen.

i was swimming in a pool

the first time in years

while under the light of the

full moon,

the people who were there,

kept talking about belgium

they were facinated with it,

talking about how the water was

so tainted that you couldn't drink it

and so,

everyone drank beer.

& we all know that belgians

have the best beer -

and chocolate.

i wanted to say,

i once was in love with a belgian

who came to see me and saw me through

the scariest moment of my life

who held my hand and

when the doctors asked who he was

he calmly looked at them and said

'her fiancee.'

and i looked up at him,

i could see it was something he meant,

and also that, it was meant to make

me laugh & i did

although the laughing really hurt

i have never seen anyones eyes

electric blue and full of life

filled with such concern over -

my well being

for the first time i felt

safe -

i wanted to say,

girls, you should really get

yourself a belgian

they speak many languages,

theyre very tall and thin

and they tend to all look

really good (from what i have seen)

and they are really educated

& for the most part they won't hate

you for being who you are

i wanted to say,

get yourself a good belgian lover

and never let him go

hold him tightly at night

and if you are lucky

you will have some of the best sex

that you have ever had in your life

(europeans, you know... they just

do it better....)

instead,

i remained quiet

i stared at the moon,

thought about how we always

were supposed to swim together

and how,

at least with my belgian

i know i have found the one person

who will never fully abandon me

and,

in that moment,

i missed him.

and i thought about

how i saw his doppleganger

while in chicago

&

i longed

for those cold snowy days

when i looked like a raccoon

and how

we laid in bed for a week

doing nothing but exploring

everything about each other.

the moon was over head

and i hoped he could see it

and know how much i missed him,

in that moment.

katrina

i am drowning here,

lost five thousand miles from

the closest bar of sand

that i could find to stand on

and its all grainy

with water underneath

i know i am sinking,

and you sit there

watching,

all like an island

unto yourself

about yourself

thinking i am just

another one of the many

dumb girls whom you have

convinced will be something

more than -

a means to an end

a way for you to

get what you want &

inflict what has been inflicted

on you to someone that

you are supposed to care about

you were a karmic debt

you were a cloudy day with

a ray of sunlight and a bit of

hope

but now you are nothing

other than a raging storm

who stabs at the trees

breaking them with no concern

about the forest

or with any feelings

about the creatures

who call it home

you are an island

nothing but sand

you stick to me but i can

wash you off, brush you off,

swim away from you &

find a place far away from this

that will really feel like home

& then you will know

that every woman,

is a storm.

i will tell you the truth, she says. soon.

intense set of dreams including -

-drowning in lake michigan, and waking up with my heart racing, wide awake.

-robb sitting across from me in a thai restaurant. we were talking about something, something important that i do not remember. i rarely if ever dream of robb. a guy came up next to us and pulled out a bunch of scorpions. it was like a drug deal, only with scorpions. robb starts to laugh really hard, looks him in the eye, and pulls out a scorpion the size of my fist and arm. im just looking at this shit, terrified but not really. i felt like i was floating. robb warns me about something. but i do not know what.

-dream changes and i am in a car, where i am with friends. zak keeps arguing with me. i cant find him and i know he is leaving, but i can't get there in time. meanwhile, i meet these people outside of the thai place and go with them to look at some art in a mall. they then end up at my house where they argue with me & freak out because two of the people who showed up randomly (one was shannon stephens) are people they do not like. shannon's friend's face is all disfigured. melted almost. he caused an accident that the mother of the person i was hanging out with - as well as killed someone that woman loved. it was really uncomfortable. tense.

-i am in a high school. wearing headphones. listening to mogwai.

-zak and i are planning a trip out east. it involves a great deal of planning and i am on a train. there is arguing about what route to take.

-the last dream i have, i remember being in a car. a really fast car. with the woman who's all fucked up. and her husband. then she disappears. and the car wrecks. and i wake up with my heart in my throat.

-went back to sleep for a bit, and was on a plane. its some weird special plane. zak had left and i was trying to find him again. i found him on the plane. its full of weird people - distorted people who are trying to walk on ice in high heels - men and women. leopard print, i remember that. someone famous is on the plane. jeanne is there too. i end up seeing jeanne & zak making out. i don't feel anything. not even angry.

i woke up.

the end.

today has been super uncomfortable for me. i don't feel like i am in my own skin. i am unhappy and yet i can not figure out why i am. i spent a few hours trying to figure this out today, and, nothing came. i am over-whelmed, and yet, i also do not feel anything. it fluctuates through out the day. i am so fucking anxious.

i feel like i am going to be betrayed but by who i don't really know.

i want to go away for a while & be left alone.

i feel like i need to think about so many things, so so many things and all of them are overwhelming. i want to cry but i can't and i dont know why i want to. i feel intensely awkward and unlikable.

scott wont leave me alone & wants everything back from working with him because i refuse to kiss his ass. he fucking fired me, more or less. why do i owe him anything?

wim sent me a fucked up letter today too, adding to everything else and making me feel really confused and lost.

i dont know who i am anymore.

i really mean this.

i have lost myself somehow.

i've never been golden.

i feel like an asshole. i spent the weekend with wynn, and, of course i have started to develop these feelings for him. i lay in his arms last night, and all i could think about was how i am awful, awful - that, in hours my twin would be arriving, and, how could i.....

finally get what i want - finally get the real moment & chance that i have been waiting for, and now, be emotionally entangled in a relationship (of sorts... i refuse to let it become anything more than hanging out and sex... but thats what a relationship is, isn't it?) a relationship which i denied for a very long time, and yet, it came to be because it was just what i needed. someone who treats me with respect & is so kind to me, and is light-hearted and goofy. i am much too serious for my own good.

and yet - my twin, he will be here in four hours! 4 hours! i never thought this day would come. i never thought i would get to spend time with him when both of us were.... not so fucked up. i don't know what to expect, and i dont want to hurt anyone, but what lies between us is something so pure and true and real. i never denied that. i always knew. he was always afraid. and now, now he's not? now he talks about us 'building a life together' and a part of me is so happy and so.... baffled, and the other part of me is terrified. terrified of rejection from him yet again, terrified of him breaking my heart if i open up, terrified of what kind of danger he can cause because he's not a simple person. i've longed for him in ways i have never spoken about. we have finally become honest with each other, finally worked out the kinks in this twinship of ours...

and yet, i laid with wynn & all of my dreams were about him. i was trying to find him over and over & i couldn't - he had disappeared. i was frantic. we talk about our dreams, he & i. and i sleep, when i finally fall asleep - so soundly - with him. when i would roll over, he would wake up and ask me if there was anything i needed.

i need.... to feel.... wanted, desired, needed, loved.

i do not want to have to choose. i know who will win. he has always won. he will always win. he is my other half. i can't have both, im not that type of girl.

4 hours.

how insane is that?

how insane, life is.

& so it speaks.

1. twin will arrive here on monday. eeeee! so excited and so terrified.

a lot to talk about when it involves this but, i dont feel like doing that right now.

regardless to say i am happy and excited and looking forward to building a life with him.

life... is weird.

2. linds is moving here! so not only will i have my twin, but i will also have my one & only friend from college living right in this very town. i cant begin to go on about how thrilled i am about this. i am hoping to move in with her until her lease is up. so that would be from august to october.

3. i spent the night last night with wynn. i had written him off as being retarded. he's not, at all. he's just shy and weird. he's like a little boy in a lot of ways, but it is also adorable. he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body & he is so good to me. he treats me with respect (a shocker im not used to) and always pays for everything (again not used to this) and is... hes sweet. we went out to the pier & watched a bunch of lightning & i was slightly drunk so i was more open than i normally would be. hes so unsure of himself. im trying to get him to like, have some self esteem. it comes from within but it helps if someone believes in you. so, we went back to his house and laid around watching tv & talking. i also found out why the sex was so... basic, which is because for real he has never thought about those sort of things (WHAT?) and, has never had a girl be like... so what do you like, how does this feel, what are your fantasies, ect. he seemed shocked that i actually wanted him to get off & enjoy himself. there is a lot of potiential there, sexually, between us, its just i am going to have to teach him, get him to explore - ect. he's kind of like... a project. but, i slept soundly with him & when i would wake up with a headache he would rub my back and shoulders and neck & kiss me where it hurt. he finally was comfortable enough to start being a smart ass, which was good. i knew he had that in him.

im missing him tonight, although i know this is only going to complicate my life. he knows how i feel about his drinking and how i think he needs to get his shit together. we talked about him actually setting some goals & having someone push him to... grow up & do something with himself.

its just... once t arrives, its going to get complicated. how could it not get complicated? wynn knows all about the situation & knows how i feel - and that, you know, i am committing to no one anytime soon. so thats good. but i dont want to hurt him. i don't want to do that ever.

4. i still have to tell my parents that t is going to be arriving soon. theyre dead set against this but i need to do what i feel is right in my heart & in my soul. they will get over it, and most importantly, we will both move out. this is only temporary.

5. i am happy.

i hate not working, but, i am happy right now.

this is good.

-fin.

because he's the other half of me

since i lost the whole entry i made, complete with links to film & photos, i am just going to put up here what i had at the end of the entry. it gets across the point that i was making without telling the whole story. my twin is coming to stay with me. i am willing to risk everything for him because i believe in him. i love him unconditionally in ways i have never been able to put into words. then i typed in soul twins in google & came up with this.... it is.... very accurate.

the story of how we came to exist, how we met, and of all we have been through is pretty insane & best left for another time. but, i believe in him & in the goodness of who he is, while i know his shadow self is quite horrible. but so is mine. i just want to help him. even if it means i end up getting kicked out of my house. there is so much going on, so much to write about but it is four in the morning and i really must sleep.

"Meeting the "other half of your soul" is generally so life changing and profound that this question is unnecessary.... you just know. Twin souls will both recognize this extraordinary bond, whether they are evolved and whole enough to acknowledge and act upon it is another thing. Meeting with your twin soul brings about an internal spiritual revolution, a deeper connection and understanding of the Divine and the Universal Oneness, this is the greatest gift of knowing your twin. Twin soul love is not to be confused with an obsessive/compulsive disorder, it's not a desire to "possess" another, but truly a challenge to love unconditionally and without expectation, to be whole and complete within yourself before joining with the other whole and complete side of your soul. The longing and desire to be with your twin soul is intense, but through growth and perception can be seen as the greater longing to join with the Divine, and that is the true lesson, you are two halves of a much greater whole.

When you meet your twin, there will be no "game-playing" or manipulation, you will have the need to be transparently honest in your relationship and communication with one another. If there is karma from past lives to work out between you, it will be apparent and consciously worked out. If you or your twin is committed to another relationship, you will respect and honor that bond and realize the tests of unconditional love. Meeting your twin soul challenges you to grow spiritually, heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and to see beyond time, ego, and physical limitations. You will be driven with the desire to be the best manifestation of your soul on earth. This is not a relationship of hearts and flowers, but one that will be tested in fire and will endure beyond time and space."

"Soul mates," John continued, "were actually created for one another at the beginning of time, or what you call at the moment of the Big Bang. They vibrate at exactly the same electromagnetic frequency because they are identical counterparts of one another. Twin souls are more common to find because they have experienced many lifetimes together in one form or another. But soul mates were actually created at the beginning of time as pairs who belonged together... So you see, there is more to your Big Bang theory than you imagine... and quite romantic at that, wouldn't you say?"