i will tell you the truth, she says. soon.

intense set of dreams including -

-drowning in lake michigan, and waking up with my heart racing, wide awake.

-robb sitting across from me in a thai restaurant. we were talking about something, something important that i do not remember. i rarely if ever dream of robb. a guy came up next to us and pulled out a bunch of scorpions. it was like a drug deal, only with scorpions. robb starts to laugh really hard, looks him in the eye, and pulls out a scorpion the size of my fist and arm. im just looking at this shit, terrified but not really. i felt like i was floating. robb warns me about something. but i do not know what.

-dream changes and i am in a car, where i am with friends. zak keeps arguing with me. i cant find him and i know he is leaving, but i can't get there in time. meanwhile, i meet these people outside of the thai place and go with them to look at some art in a mall. they then end up at my house where they argue with me & freak out because two of the people who showed up randomly (one was shannon stephens) are people they do not like. shannon's friend's face is all disfigured. melted almost. he caused an accident that the mother of the person i was hanging out with - as well as killed someone that woman loved. it was really uncomfortable. tense.

-i am in a high school. wearing headphones. listening to mogwai.

-zak and i are planning a trip out east. it involves a great deal of planning and i am on a train. there is arguing about what route to take.

-the last dream i have, i remember being in a car. a really fast car. with the woman who's all fucked up. and her husband. then she disappears. and the car wrecks. and i wake up with my heart in my throat.

-went back to sleep for a bit, and was on a plane. its some weird special plane. zak had left and i was trying to find him again. i found him on the plane. its full of weird people - distorted people who are trying to walk on ice in high heels - men and women. leopard print, i remember that. someone famous is on the plane. jeanne is there too. i end up seeing jeanne & zak making out. i don't feel anything. not even angry.

i woke up.

the end.

today has been super uncomfortable for me. i don't feel like i am in my own skin. i am unhappy and yet i can not figure out why i am. i spent a few hours trying to figure this out today, and, nothing came. i am over-whelmed, and yet, i also do not feel anything. it fluctuates through out the day. i am so fucking anxious.

i feel like i am going to be betrayed but by who i don't really know.

i want to go away for a while & be left alone.

i feel like i need to think about so many things, so so many things and all of them are overwhelming. i want to cry but i can't and i dont know why i want to. i feel intensely awkward and unlikable.

scott wont leave me alone & wants everything back from working with him because i refuse to kiss his ass. he fucking fired me, more or less. why do i owe him anything?

wim sent me a fucked up letter today too, adding to everything else and making me feel really confused and lost.

i dont know who i am anymore.

i really mean this.

i have lost myself somehow.