i've never been golden.

i feel like an asshole. i spent the weekend with wynn, and, of course i have started to develop these feelings for him. i lay in his arms last night, and all i could think about was how i am awful, awful - that, in hours my twin would be arriving, and, how could i.....

finally get what i want - finally get the real moment & chance that i have been waiting for, and now, be emotionally entangled in a relationship (of sorts... i refuse to let it become anything more than hanging out and sex... but thats what a relationship is, isn't it?) a relationship which i denied for a very long time, and yet, it came to be because it was just what i needed. someone who treats me with respect & is so kind to me, and is light-hearted and goofy. i am much too serious for my own good.

and yet - my twin, he will be here in four hours! 4 hours! i never thought this day would come. i never thought i would get to spend time with him when both of us were.... not so fucked up. i don't know what to expect, and i dont want to hurt anyone, but what lies between us is something so pure and true and real. i never denied that. i always knew. he was always afraid. and now, now he's not? now he talks about us 'building a life together' and a part of me is so happy and so.... baffled, and the other part of me is terrified. terrified of rejection from him yet again, terrified of him breaking my heart if i open up, terrified of what kind of danger he can cause because he's not a simple person. i've longed for him in ways i have never spoken about. we have finally become honest with each other, finally worked out the kinks in this twinship of ours...

and yet, i laid with wynn & all of my dreams were about him. i was trying to find him over and over & i couldn't - he had disappeared. i was frantic. we talk about our dreams, he & i. and i sleep, when i finally fall asleep - so soundly - with him. when i would roll over, he would wake up and ask me if there was anything i needed.

i need.... to feel.... wanted, desired, needed, loved.

i do not want to have to choose. i know who will win. he has always won. he will always win. he is my other half. i can't have both, im not that type of girl.

4 hours.

how insane is that?

how insane, life is.