my thoughts are eating me up, keeping me awake at night, and driving me insane.
three is a horrible number. its even worse when those that you are with don't even notice you are there.
three is a lonely number.
if i am going to feel alone around those who are supposed to be my best friends when i am with them,
what the fuck is the point in even being with them?
perhaps i should just spend the time alone.
i do not know what i am doing. i am trying to breathe. deeply. take a deep breath, cor.
roots. the roots are growing from your feet, into the ground, deep down into the earth.
you are planting yourself a new life, a better existence, you are at one with the elements, you are alive -
and isn't life supposed to be the most precious gift?
and yet, i am distraught. i should be happy, i should be all excited - all of these friends around,
but all of this change, it eats at me.
i left my body long ago.
i hate the silence. i am not your best friend. i am not your best friend, either.
spirit says,
do not trust, youre going to get fucked over.
and im waiting for it.
i let you both walk all over me.
why?
i have found that i can not trust those that try to act as though i should trust them the most.
i have found that i feel nothing right now for anyone. i am on automatic.
i have been rejected. im waiting for the abandonment. its right around the corner,
a train calling at me, saying,
get on. your stop will be here soon. you've got much to learn, little girl.
----
i used to have a telepathic connection with my best friend in the whole wide world. we fought viciously, we hated each other with a passion i have never felt towards anyone. we loved each other with that same passion. he could look at my face and read what i was thinking, he could look at me and we would have a whole conversation just by shared looks. it was never awkward, it was always how these things should be. it ran its course, and i suffered a betrayal by him on multiple levels, through multiple ways, and it took me about five years to finally get over it. but the scars still remain. whenever i think i can trust someone, i start to notice little things, small things, and i start to isolate myself. i start to wonder if any sort of friendship is worth it - when those who know me the best seem to always be the ones who hurt me the most. i don't want to feel this sort of paranoia, this sort of anxiety or this kind of depression. but its the only thing i know. when it feels like it is going to get bad, when it feels like i am going to be hurt -
and i have been,
its time to run away for a while.
i sometimes think that the superficial stupid friendships i have with people that i openly do not like are the ones i am doomed to.
i wanted to feel a connection, i wanted to be able to trust, i wanted to not be lied to.
i am a fucking moron for thinking that this could all happen.
but i wanted to try to be optimistic. i wanted to try for once to not feel like i am doomed.
---
as i was falling asleep, he mumbled that he loves me.
i pretended not to hear it.
you can not love me. i am not worth loving right now.
i am unlovable. maybe i am the island.
i don't want to hear it.
the last time i heard those words, i was thrown away like i am nothing more than trash.
after a bunch of passive aggressive bullshit,
i discovered how many lies i was being told
and i dared to stand up for myself,
to say it wasn't okay to lie to me, to pretend like i was no longer important
to make plans with me,
to start this life together
and then to abandon it and me after a
four hour
plane trip to boston
as soon as the wheels touched the tarmac.
so i spent a week, wallowing in my bed,
feeling worthless, feeling like i was crazy
because obviously i had to be if he said so
he - the compulsive liar
all i had wanted was for someone to love me,
but he kept changing me and trying to make me
into a girl i was not.
a quiet mute girl who tolerated never being touched
as though i was a disease
who never said what she was really thinking
because if i did
it caused a fit
who tolerated
his lies,
his ability to love me & then to reject me
within about a span of ten minutes
(now that is acting)
what a mind fuck.
i swore afterwards, i would really work on
who i am because being with him and
being hurt so badly by him had - obviously
made me question who the hell i had become
i worked on those issues,
the ones he created inside of me,
except for the fact that -
i can not trust
i generally believe everyone is lying to me,
and if anyone says those words to me
my immediate reaction is to
run as far the fuck away as possible.
i love you,
the words are so hollow.
it means nothing when its as though
i am not even there
and i am right next to you all the time
i love you,
when you don't even know
who i am. when, i have hidden
the parts of me that i don't think
you should see.
its just -
im a broken doll,
with no arms to lift
and my heart was stabbed away
long ago for a ritual
so i could one day
find what i was looking for.
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