because boys don't cry.

i want to puke, vomit all over the place. the anxiety i am feeling lately is out of control. my heart will rapidly beat in my chest, and i will feel my throat closing up, slowly, and then quicker and then i will feel this intense desire to vomit.

i am sick of feeling this way. i quit work, thank god, but i don't feel any better about anything. if anything, my life seems even more unstable than it was before. god, and all i want is that - stability. someone please, help me find some fucking stability. stop the goddamn drama. stop the stabbing in my heart. stop it all, please.

i can not handle having every guy i have ever cared for, loved, whatever, in my life all at the same time, all wanting something from me. all draining me, sucking the life out of me, wanting my attention, wanting my desire, wanting me to hate fuck them, wanting me to put everything i do after them, wanting to take me on another vacation away from it all.

ray is back. he is... so utterly confusing. i want to have the strength to tell him to go fuck himself, this guy that broke my heart and totally destroyed me - but i am also so fucking drawn to him, so fucking infatuated with him. i so desperately want to understand what makes him who he is. i want to confront him on his lies and see what he says. and then, then i want him to fall in love with me, and i suppose, i want to break a part of him, too, because he broke me. and all is fair in love and war and what happens between us is exactly that - thin lines between love and hate and war and fascination and absolute insanity. but despite all of that, he has always made me feel.... i don't know. it was love at first sociopathic sight. it was the most i have felt for someone in ages, years, whatever. i wanted to have a life with him. and we could have had that, if he wasn't such a fucking prick. and so, i want to know - why now, why jesus god, why now?

and why so much anxiety, why does it always feel like i am two steps away from my world falling apart? i thought things would change, but nothing has changed, nothing at all. everything is the same. its the same and its worse really, because there is the illusion of things changing, and they haven't and they didn't and why do i care? do i care?

i stared at the lake today and thought about drowning and how much i wanted to die. how i am so sick of everyone WANTING and TAKING and never giving anything back to me. how i just wanted to escape, and how i keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over again. when will i learn? when will i become strong enough to say no? what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i tolerate this bullshit?

i am serious when i say i no longer know who i am.

i really don't.

i'm not ready for these changes,

they are going to suck.