i have known for ages that i should listen to the few friends who give me advice, who take me seriously and who know me the best. These friends are the ones that i tell my secrets to, and who in turn, tell me theirs. All of them advised me against doing this - all of them have told me that she is a bad person who holds me down. I felt as though keeping her around when she was suffering and trying to help was my debt to her because she did as much for me. i never realized how much she resented me for that fact - the fact that she helped me when i was out of control and loosing it. I never realized how much hate and anger there was there. i never knew she was so full of dark. Well, i knew but i tried not to see it.
& so those of you who have warned me will be able to say a lot of "i told you so's..." because you were all right. I don't want to think about her anymore, and i really want her out of my life for good, because she does nothing but fuck me over, again and again, and resent me for being who i am. so she has to take what i have or don't have, and fuck with me, to feel whatever it is she needs to feel. i do not understand. i understand that female friendships are complex, and that we hurt those we care about the most. i am just tired of being walked on, and tired of being hurt.
i've been reading a lot of jung lately, to help me through this period. im attempting to figure out just what it was i was projecting onto him in order to feel better. why i allow his behaviors, which i won't allow others to have around me. why i let him do what he does to me. why i let THEM do what they do to me. Why this provokes inside of me panic attacks that are so bad i have quit eating & i have to force myself to shove food into my mouth, only to throw it back up again. So, what was it i was projecting onto him? what on god's earth was i looking for? i am still trying to figure it out. I have felt, more than ever, as of late, that i am going insane. that my reality is so far from what i feel emotionally and that, because i am so up and down all day long, i should be hospitalized. i have begged for it, but my mother, seeing this as a sign of weakness, refuses to allow me to get away and try to figure it out. I know that going into the hospital would do nothing for me, and would further make me seem like i am nuts - what i want is a vacation, a nice trip out into the woods, and a good week to think, alone, by myself. i need some solitude and i need to come back sane. i know this could happen, if i were to embark on this trip on my own, but, as of now, i am stuck in a nightmare circle that consists of working a job i really fucking hate where i am treated like shit and where my boss tells me i have a drug problem - unbeknownst to me - i was unaware that i was using opiates heavily. i don't even have a fucking vicodin script. ive come off of the majority of the meds that i used to deal with life because i found that i needed to face up to what was going on. do i still take pain killers? yes, when i am in pain. do i get high? sometimes because i don't take them often and i don't eat much lately. but am i getting high to avoid life? no, because the moment i do.... its the moment i fall fucking apart and i never come back. and i refuse to let all of this bullshit be what makes me go back to drugs. um, no thanks. um, no, fuck you guys. im stronger than that. im tougher than this.
my mother views crying as a form of weakness. she never cries. in turn, i am not allowed to cry very often, and certainly not because of how other people make me feel. instead, i am to be a tough ukrainian girl who has no feelings, or, who - if she does have feelings, will only aknowledge those of frustration, rage, anger, hate, spite, vindictiveness, & on and on. i do not hold grudges because i know my mother will continue to hold them for me, years after the fact when i have forgotten why i was so hurt in the first place.
my mother has been a great source lately, however, of comfort. she understands that i needed to fuck up my life and take a chance on these people, that i wanted to believe in goodness, and that i was enough. but i won't ever be enough and while i had these thoughts for a long time, they remained in the shadows. she doesn't resent me for this mistake, but, more or less, just wants it to be over, as i do. we all need to move on.
and i am working on that. life is lonely and i feel frail and broken. my father almost dying drained the last sense of sanity that i had left out of me. he is okay because he has 9 million lives, but what it puts us through, how scary it all is - i can't begin to describe. i wish i felt as though i could leave, but if i were to, i know he would die sooner, and i would feel guilty. i need to address this issue but it won't be until after he dies.
jealousy and hate are horrible feelings and i wish i could just stop feeling them. i wish i could work out what makes me feel so inadequate and fix it. i wish i could figure out why my life will be going really well and then it will suddenly get awful. mostly due to choices i have made. when i am hurt i do not like to be around others, and this is making my political career stutter. its not acceptable to just bail, and i know that. i have to fix that part of my life, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how to tell everyone what has been going on, and how i felt like i could only handle the easiest of tasks. how close i felt to dying. how often i had to fight the urges. how often i am sure, i will have to fight them. how hard it is to have a brain that is not balanced.
mostly, i just want a vacation. i looked up plane tickets to belgium today, as wim has invited me to come stay with him for a while. they range from $850 dollars to over $2 grand. and that is just the plane ticket, it doesn't involve anything else. i would want to come with my own money, i would want to contribute and not be a life sucking burden. dividing american dollars into euros - and with this horrible job, i can see that i won't be going to belgium anytime soon unless he flies me over there. and if he does, what if it all goes wrong? inevitably he will feel like i have used him, when that isnt the case. i really do love him, as much as i can love anyone right now. but i am also aware that wim loves what he can't have, as much as i do. i am also aware that mostly this is just sex, this desire to want to be with someone who understands me so completely and who, i have this amazing chemistry with both physically and sexually. i know i can not throw myself into another relationship with him to distract myself from how i am feeling right now, but it would be nice. we both welcome the distraction. i had a dream we got married, and it didn't even freak me out. in some ways, i have always seen myself with him, in the end. i needed to work through this disaster in order to get to that point. and i have been able to see that he has always loved me, in his logical wim like way, and that he is the only person i can count on to put me back together again. that i do, count on him, to be the voice of reason, to help me through the hard times, to say the right thing and not just stare at me lost and afraid of who i am. i know that he is good for me, that he is a huge reason as to why i have become the person i am today - that the good parts of me exist in part because he helps make them flourish - that he brings those things out in me. that i have always strived to be better for him, and not in a way where i feel like i am not good enough, but in a way that makes me feel closer to my whole. the letters we write to each other now have taken on a fervor and a passion that i didn't think we would ever have with each other again. i miss him, i miss him a lot and i wish we weren't so far away from one another. i hope that i am not projecting anything on to him, nor he onto me. we both realized we did that, and how bad it was. we've worked through it. for the most part.
i am hungry, and i am tired, and i am broken down and also broke, but, i believe it will get better in time. its been a horrible few weeks, and if i had listened to myself i would have known that, but i needed to also have this happen so that i could finally fucking realize that deep inside i always know what is going on, that i always know what i need, and that my dreams are ALWAYS trying to tell me something. It's about time i started to listen.
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