mommy dearest.

i am sorry i am
such a disappointment
as a daughter -

that i suffer from
pain in multiples -
that i need pills
to function
just like my god-forsaken father
& that no matter how great
i am doing you will
never forgive me my faults
my past mistakes
are as real to you
as yesterday
i will always be a drugged out
morphine abusing
girl who deserved to be raped
who only wanted attention
who craved attention
and drama
who
cries too much
who can't be strong enough
who puts her family
through shame
who just
pops more pills so she
can't feel anymore
who has wasted
any talent she had
who is nearly 30
and still living at your house
& now has her
piece of shit friend
"eating you out of
house and home &
drinking all your pop
smoking all your cigarettes
& come to think of it
he never even does the dishes
like he is supposed to."

which just further proves
how lousy your daughter is
at making decisions -
i am sorry i am such an
epic failure
that i am not like
your son
who has his own car
who has his own house
who works for the university of michigan
who has always done well in school
who has never disappointed you
who never shows emotions
but when, whose heart does get broken
well - then we call out all the stops

i am sorry
i am not what you wanted me to be
i am sorry i am flawed
emotional
confused
full of contradictions
unsure
damaged
that i was old enough to know
how epically FUCKED my childhood really was
i am sorry that the things that interest me
and matter to me
you could give a shit about
but it doesnt mean
you can yell at me
demean me
and tell me
that i am
nothing more
than a pill addicted
piece of shit.

because it couldn't be
further from the truth
and i really
really resent you for that.
how dare you come into my room
and try to have small talk
after you tell me i am
nothing.

(and people wonder why i
have such huge complexes)