it starts like this. i wake up, earlier than he does every day. so i tend to use that time before we go into the hell hole that is our work to check my email - letters generally from wim telling me life will be okay and that i am not a horrible person. i need to hear these things from him.
yesterday it was different. i was trying to log on to facebook when i came across the window he had left open. i am not so stupid as to think that while i am gone he & jeanne do not talk. however, i didn't expect to read the fucking conversation they had about me. i didn't read all of it, just what was in the window, but it was enough to know that he has been lying to me, and well she & he have a very skewed view of what friendship is. apparently i am the crazy one, the immature childish bitch. if he feels this way, and if - i am not important to him nor is my friendship (which i want to revoke anyhow) then it would be fucking awesome if he would leave my goddamn house. he is a liar, he lies to my face, and i take care of him like a mother. and like a mother, there is no reward, no fucking thank yous. its like having a teenager around. he sulks in my bed and makes me feel uncomfortable. when i am upset, he is nowhere to be found to ask me how i feel or what is wrong. it is the most one sided friendship. and oh, how not sorry they both are for what they have done to me. well, good, don't act like you are sorry. if they both love one another so fucking much - then why dont they go run off and leave me the fuck alone? she is a piece of work, i do not have words for what i think of her. lying to my face, lying to my mother's face, trying to act as though i am the one who is paranoid. bullshit, i knew all along. why does everyone act like i am so goddamn stupid?
so i woke him up and told him if he was going to talk about me to her then perhaps he should remember to close the damn window out. when i got home, after all of this, he was so interested in how my night was - why? i wondered why when it happened. then, he informs me that he has found a cheaper flight to belgium for me. um, why? i can only wonder what the fuck the two of them were talking about, but he certainly didn't do it because he gives a fuck about me or my happiness. more like - get rid of cor, and it will all be okay. pawn her off on wim.
there are so many things i regret telling her. she was supposed to be my best friend. i told her always how i felt, what was going on in my life, what i felt towards certain people. i tried so hard to be a good friend to her. i tried to be there for her when she had a bad day or when she was unhappy. and now, she knows my secrets, will use them against me. they both have rewritten how everything happened too. guilty perhaps? i know i am not wrong. now shes spending all her time bonding with ashley who has got to be loving the fact that i am the one who is 'bad' now. god, jeanne even talked about how that was coming and how she wouldn't do it. but she did. does it make her feel good to make me feel bad? dredging up all of the shit that i have supposedly done to her when we lived in chicago - i didn't say a thing about everything she has done to me. and how its all so funny that i had a breakdown, god, its so funny.
i hate her, and i am not ever going to talk to her again. i wish & hope for the worst. and, after what i read yesterday, i hate him as well. i had to spend the day comforting him because his favorite aunt died and in the end, he tells me that my 'comfort' isn't good enough. so i said he should go over to jeannes then. she will give him the comfort he desires. he rolled his eyes and got mad at me - as if, what he said to me wasnt hurtful at all. and i couldn't address what had happened in the morning because.... i didn't want to play into the game.
so today i wake up, get ready for the local dem convention. as i am leaving i tell him that he can go hang out with jeanne - i am not keeping them apart. im not. its just, don't expect me to help you or be your fucking friend. i tell him that i need to talk to him - i do, my mother has some issues and we need to figure some stuff out, and i end it by saying, i need to talk to you as well because you hurt my feelings and dont even care. i tell him i will be back by three. if he wants to talk and go to the movie (which we had planned on) i will be home by then. if he is not here, then he is with jeanne (and im sure his other walks have been to her house) and ok, thats fine. this is awkward for all of us. my family. him. me. and her - well she only cares about herself so fuck her. but i want out of this mess. so many things upon retrospect make so much more sense now that i can look back at them, and see them for what they were. i was never wrong in feeling left out. it was on purpose. i was never wrong in assuming they had feelings for each other - they do. i was never wrong in noticing how little jeanne has respect for me. i was never wrong when i said what i said to him... he admited it and then denied it. but - i was.... never wrong.
so how is it that i am crazy? paranoid? his letters to me were not what he says they were. and he never pulled them up - because they are wrong, he is wrong.
i hope to god i get rid of him today. i hope he doesnt come back here.
i hope she rots in hell.
i hope they both do.
i just want to be out of the picture. the whole time when i was upset - i kept saying "i dont exist. i don't exist here. it doesn't matter if i am here or not. it doesn't matter how i feel." they reassured me that they cared for & love me (HA) and that i was just being crazy & paranoid.
no.
i was being right.
and im not angry, im too tired to be angry.
i feel nothing
unless i think for a bit
and then well
then i feel really really fucking angry.
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