(not my) teenage dream

its been ages, years, since i was a teenager even -
that i felt the urge to
crawl trembling
curl
into the fetal
and slice the bits of skin
that cover me with a razor
while smiling with
satisfaction
as the blood rushed out
knowing that i was a living
breathing being
fully aware that i was
the one who was
destroying myself
never feeling more alive
than in that moment
when the metal
slices open
my skin


& it scares me
that i am loosing
all sense of normality
all sense of who i am
that my depression
my insanity
is sinking me into
this disgusting thing
who wants to hurt herself
so she can feel something
other than ugly, awful, mundane,
plain, unwanted, sad, horrible,
pathetic, rebounded, dumb, stuck,
surrounded by sycophants, nasty,
unloved, unforgivable, hypocritical,
hated, her own worst enemy,
never going to make it anyway,
a fucking joke, who will never find
a person who will love her warts & all,
always trying to please people who are
so not worth pleasing and
did i mention stuck? - miserable,
for-ever-questioning what the hell
the point even is in breathing -
yet- not able to give up just yet -

and so instead
i day dreamed of the days
when i -
put metal to skin
the satisfying rush of blood
how the line doesn't rush right away
but shows up like invisible ink
the anger the hate the self hate
clarity came that i don't hate myself
and that's the difference
which is why i didn't even bother
and instead
i went outside to clean
the elderly neighbor's
mailbox which got covered
in garlic couscous
mustard, salami,
and more garlic
(they must have wanted to
keep the glittering twilight vampires away?)
by the concurring teenage football team
and i had to laugh at the irony of it all
these teenagers -
enacting random acts of completely
stupid vandalism upon strangers -
and i -
as a teen
sat in my room
vandalizing my wrists,
arms, legs,
flesh -
myself.