& now you love me more than that.

there is a part of me that loves the fact that my intestines are curling into horrible knots, making me run to the bathroom to shit out everything that is bothering me. it seems appropriate given the situation. i am infected with disease, i need to get it out.

i finally have nothing to say. i am not okay with how things are going but i realize that my energies need to be placed elsewhere. i realize that i am stuck in this and that it has to run its course. one plus one equals two. two divide the one. i don't know how to fix this, how to not act like a child who is screaming because their toy got taken away. its not the right way to react, but i can't trust either of them, and that hurts me, too. i just... i dont know how. i flat out don't want to. i should have thought of that sooner, that this would only lead to a really bad burn. but what i have wanted is to move on from all of it, and this process will allow me to do that. how do i trust in the process when i feel like i am loosing my mind?

it requires so much work and i am exhausted. no one reads me well or understands me. i want to sleep for a thousand years and then wake up when everyone else has left. put me in a coma, please. this is all too complicated, all too hard and all too much.

i need to cash in all of my favors from everyone i know who lives overseas and go find them and find a few thousand dollars and never, fucking ever - come back here.

but for now i am stuck, and i do not believe in love or in common goals or in much of anything.

i will burrow into the ground for a while,

fall is coming.

___

he sent me a message last night telling me that he is falling in love with me. i didn't know what to think. being with him is an escape from my regular existence, my regular nightmarish existence, but i told him, and i meant it - that i would only hurt him, that i would only destroy him. i told him not to love me. i told him that i am difficult and crazy and unfair sometimes. i told him that i can be ruthlessly mean to those that i love for no reason what so ever. that when i am stressed out, i am even worse. he said nothing, just looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead, and held me tight. as i was falling asleep, he said those words, those words that make me run, and i said nothing because i was almost asleep and it seemed like a dream anyway. i like him, i do, i like him so much, much more than i ever expected, because we can read each other, because he is bright when he wants to be, but he is so lost and i didn't and dont want to be the girl who tries to help him find himself. i don't feel as though i know who i am right now, how the hell can i know who he is or help him figure that out? but he is nice to me, nicer than anyone i have ever known, and i know he would never do anything to betray me. i am just trying to breathe. two plus two equals four. and maybe that is what needs to happen.